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Sorry for tunneling
I present to the court my admission of guilt. The honorable Judge Scoops, allow me to express myself this one last time, before you pass sentence and I find myself in the presence of your Executioner and Destroyer of All Life, Nea. After my story, I fully expect to hear the click of your flashlight, and your sentence declared in the language of your people: Teabags.
I was but a humble Blight, looking for a rousing hunt in the great outdoors, but alas, found myself indoors. A scientific institute of ill repute. While four others had taken this journey with me, of note were two:
Nancy, who brought with her the Strike of Decision. She was right not to trust me, though I knew not at the time that I would betray the sacred rules of the polite and respectful Killer.
The other was Claudette. In retrospect, I should have spared her and her coterie the burden of having neither corn nor bushes in which to immerse themselves and removed myself from the trial. Alas, I hadn't paid attention when they gathered at the campfire, for which I was already deemed "toxic".
The beginning of the trial was a burden, but I made due with what I had. Eventually, however, I managed to catch up to and down Nancy. She tried her best, and I tipped my hat after carefully placing her upon the hook, making sure of her comfort and security. I left and found the Claudette, trying her best to look like a bush in the middle of a white hallway, but it was to no avail, as my keen eyes mistook her not for a bush. I commenced in chase and we engaged in honorable fisticuffs. I found myself the victor, and as before, placed her upon a hook so as to give her a most spectacular view of the hallway.
This is, unfortunately, where my true nature was revealed, much to the horror and moral outrage of those present. Nancy arrived immediately after I had settled Claudette, and removed her from the raised thrown. I should have made haste to the edge of the map and worked my way back in, but in my jolly romp, I had ignored the rules. I hit the Nancy, and then the Claudette.
Please, hold your gasps, it only gets worse.
I then picked up the Nancy, as it would be rude to make Claudette sit on the same hook twice in a row, and my true crime was wide open for all to see: I was stunned and dropped her. I had tunneled her. Never, in the history of the game, has such a foul act happened. I, the Killer, had tunneled her. My attack on Claudette was but a ruse, and tunneling Nancy was clearly my goal. Why else would I have been stabbed thusly? The only truth, as we all know, is that a Decisive Strike only afflicts a tunneling Killer, so the scenario was clear. I had tunneled.
For this I am guilty, and for this I give my most sincere apology. I would ask for mercy, but I can see the look on Quentins face. His ugly expression matches my ugly crime. So I do not ask for my life, but a quick death. Give Nea her glock, and spare me the death of a thousand pallets.
Comments
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That was funny to read.
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My only gripe is is paragraph 8 i would have gone with strike of decisiveness, but in all honesty, Bravo made my day.
Take my upvote and hold it up to the gods for all the world to see and revel in, The Tale of the strike of descision, and the humble Blight.
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I love this so much. You’re most certainly forgiven.
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My mind was running on fumes towards the end. I normally try to be "To the point" and not so flowery, so this was an exercise.
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I clicked on this hoping to read an apology from the Oni who wronged me. Oh well, still a great story 😆
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Forgiven? By Nea?
I think not.
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Just and Honorable Judge Nea Karlsson, sentences the accused, Talbot Grimes, henceforth referred to as Stibbity Stabbity the Stab Meister, to the harshest sentence possible:
"LOL EZ PZ u need to git gud baby killer y u so bad at the game go #########"
May the Entity have mercy on thy soul.
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