I think my friend might be ghosting me and I don’t know what to do :(
Backstory: we’re best friends and we would always talk everyday all day pretty much. We even got to meet in person last September/October and it was amazing!
But idk what happened but it’s like something changed or I did something wrong and I don’t know why. We used to play games together all the time - that’s how we met - but it’s like she never wants to play anymore, even a internet light game (to be fair, her internet is really crappy) like Stardew co op. I feel like I’m always trying to talk to her, not the other way around and it’s like each time she’s always drawing or watching YouTube, and when we DO talk on the phone, her brother always comes in and it just starts to feel like a third wheel conversation - or when he’s not there, it just feels like I’m talking to a wall and then she’s like “I’m tired, I’ll talk to you later.”
I had a birthday in October and she didn’t get me anything (or draw me anything like she said she would), which I would be fine with because I know she’s poor, but what kind of bothers me is that she keeps sending me links to amazon art supplies that are like 50-78 dollars and I would LIKE to just think she’s just wishing like “oh my god I wish I could have that!” but it almost feels like she wants me to buy it for her, which I would if I had that kind of money but I definitely do not, and it’s making me anxious her radio silence is her being resentful I haven’t bought her anything. Admittedly, I used my extremely limited income that wasn’t devoted to bills and hospital stuff to treat myself to something nice (a really pretty copy of Alice in Wonderland) since I just had a birthday and I would be going through multiple surgeries this month.
Speaking of which, I have had some major medical problems for months now and it was only last Thursday morning that I had my first surgery in this particular ordeal (I’ve had surgery on my legs before, being disabled, but never involving organs like my kidney, gallbladder, and liver) and she barely talked to me. I asked if we could hang before I went into the hospital, and she didn’t reply until it was way too late (a time I told her I would be going out the door at.) She didn’t even really text me when I was in the hospital until I tried speaking into the void, and even now recovering, she isn’t really talking to me until I try talking to her and it’s only hours later. I think this bothers me the most because when SHE was in the hospital, I tried my best to be there for her. I got her a plushie cat that looked like one of her beloved cats so she wouldn’t be so heartsick over them. And I had kept my phone by my side always so she could call me when she was in there and when she was out, and when she was going through it I was there for her every step of the way (unlike our one friend who flaked and baled.) And she hasn’t even tried to do the same for me this time, especially when all this started months ago and I was in the er she WAS talking and comforting me.
I keep asking her if everything is alright and she says yes, and idk maybe it’s my brain playing a mean trick on me and it’s all just a case of miscommunication and phone tag especially with me recovering...but I’m scared.
I can’t talk to anyone about this because I don’t want my parents to think badly of her and I don’t want them to know that if she really is ghosting me that I lost my only friend. And it’s making me anxious that maybe us meeting irl made her not want to be my friend anymore when she saw I was disabled (it’s one thing to know over party chat, it’s probably another thing to see the limitations in person.)
Idk I’m just scared and sad.
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Listen bud, you unfortunately found someone who is cruel and narcissistic. If she's not putting in the same amount of effort that you're putting into her, she is not a real friend and relationships between anyone is never one sided.
She does not care about you, as harsh as it is to put it. She only cares about herself, why do you think she's showing you expensive items? She isn't speaking to you, she isn't spending time with you, she wasn't showing any emotional support and she isn't taking the time out of the day to message you properly. You need to stop chasing her and seeking her attention because she just wants to keep you around when she has no one else. You're placing yourself in a vulnerable position by remaining in contact, and you're developing attachment which will be hard to get out of if you don't get out of it now.
You can find much better people than her out in the world, don't let her destroy you as you seem like a good person who she's exploiting and taking advantage of and it's never your fault for people like this. Cut your losses now and move on, block her and forget about her. And don't fall for her deceitful tricks and lies that she'll pull on you when you decide to leave her; narcissists will do anything to get you to stay with them only to keep doing what hurts you.
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I'm not going to tell you to stop being friends with her or whatever, because I don't know her or you and that's not my place. I have witnessed enough damage being done in my own life by people who feel qualified to comment on a relationship while knowing very little about it outside of one person's testimony.
I would advise that you try to talk to her honestly, though. Point out what she's doing, tell her how you feel. If she's a good friend, she should respect you enough to be honest with you, or at least give you some kind of reasonable explanation as to why she's been acting so differently. If she doesn't care about you and your friendship enough to try to work on it with you, she should at least have enough respect for you to tell you honestly that she doesn't want to be friends. What she's doing right now is just hurting you and it sounds like she's being dishonest about it to spare your feelings or something, and it isn't fair to you for her to be doing that.
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Like some others pointed out, it's not fair what she's doing.
The best advice I can give is directly point it out to her and tell her how you feel. Try to avoid things "You didn't do XY/You you you" as it tends to make someone react aggressively in general. Focus more on how it makes you feel and that you feel like it's drifting apart.
That will be what's gonna tell you if she's willing to go out of her way and try to fix things with you as friends or if she doesn't care enough.
Do you know if maybe anyhting happened? Has she told you about any changes on her end? It might be that something happened and it's occupying her. Not saying it's fair that you had no messages from her when you were in the hospital, but as it's online, it's hard to tell.
Another thing, even if you might have thought it was a amazing meet-up, from my own experiences with meeting several online friends... Sometimes meeting up will ruin the friendships and they fall apart, cause there are lot of things contributing when you meet a person in real.
We can tell you a lot about these things, but the best thing you can do, like Fibijean said, is confront her directly about. Be honest about your feelings. Give her time to respond too, but set a deadline. Let's say you talk to her tomorrow about it, then you tell her she can think about it and the deadline is Friday or Sunday e.g. Do not overextend the deadline and don't wait once it has passed either. Be strict about it, as it's about your well being.
Otherwise right now, try to do things that keep you occupied and not think about it too much.
Edit: In regards of her sending you expensive art supplies... Do not buy her things like that. I'm a artist myself and there are compromises you can find, but it's something you should not be forced to provide to keep up the friendship. A friendship should not be dependant on one person buying things for the other. It is a give and take, but on a emotional basis.
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Hey, everyone. Thanks for replying. I followed @Gay Myers (Luzi) advice, and unfortunately the worst happened and I tried to talk to her gently about it, and she just blew up at me and attacked me and told me to f off and I was a bad friend because she had problems too. I am really hurt right now tbh, there was so much deep seeded animosity. I can’t believe a friendship that’s been going on for 5 years is just...gone now. I feel devastated.
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Sounds bad ): sorry for you. Perhaps you could try talking again and asking what's bothering them but I'm no expert in this stuff so take my advice with a grain of salt. They could be projecting or they just changed for the worse sadly I can't tell you what happened because I don't know the person none of us do. If you feel like you should just break off and not talk to them again do it. Do whatever you feel is right in your personal opinion.
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So sorry to hear that :( It sounds like either she's in a lot of pain, or else she's looking for excuses to push you away, or both. Either way, she has some issues. It's up to you whether you want to stay and deal with those, but you shouldn't do anything that compromises your wellbeing in the long term.
If there are real problems preventing her from being a good friend to you, and you decide you do want to keep trying with her, it may be worthwhile to give her some time to cool down and try to talk to her about what's going on in her life. Maybe with some honest conversation the two of you can figure out both of your problems together and move forward.
If that's not an option, I'm very sorry. The end of any long-term, meaningful relationship can be absolutely heartbreaking. Try to remind yourself that you did everything you could to maintain it, and it's not your fault that she insisted on pushing you away.
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I’m so so sorry Pemberley, I’m not very good at talking about this stuff so my advice might not be the best. It sounds to me like she had some issues and she needs to talk to someone about them, regardless though, I don’t think she wants to try to keep this friendship going.
You’re a great person and I’m sorry that this happened to you!
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That's so sad.
I find a lot of my young self in your words and I feel so sorry you have to go through this. Remember that it's not your fault. You're a good friend and a kind person and you deserve a friend who appreciates that. Sadly, she's not one of them. Maybe she has trouble she didn't talk about, but that doesn't give her any right to treat you the way she did. You're not to be blamed for wanting to know where your relationship stands. Uncertainity is a horrible feeling, especially when it's with your best friend. If she doesn't try to understand your feelings and doesn't want to talk it out, it can't be helped. Cut her off and start healing. I'm not saying she's a horrible person, I don't know her and it's not my place. Still, this is also about you and your feelings, which she doesn't seem to respect, and that's a big red flag. She acted abusive to you and that shouldn't be excused if she doesn't even admit and adress it properly.
It's probably hard to see for you right now, but in a way, she helped you grow. By experiencing this awful thing, you'll know it when you see it again. I know it's hard, it hurts, but eventually, you'll start feeling better because you don't have to worry about her sincerity anymore. I wish you all the best.
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I'm so sorry for this. That's the worst outcome, but sadly the only way to try to figure things out was to talk about it. While I understand having issues, if you don't talk to people about it they can't know. So please don't feel like you should have known she has issues - you couldn't have unless she told you. It's not your fault.
Give it some time right now, you need to heal from it. Keep your mind occupied, but also make sure to take times of silence and it's okay to cry about it too. You did everything you could to maintain it. It's up to you to decide to keep her around or not in the long run. Take a few days and see how things are.
Also put your phone with screen down on the table and close your dm with her, so you're not gonna look if she's messaging you at all times. It will make you go insane, I tend to do that.
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Thank you everybody (@KillermainBTWm8 , @Fibijean , @GrootDude , @NeonAlien , and @Gay Myers (Luzi) ) once again for your kind and thoughtful words. I’m honestly still in a state of shock. It doesn’t even feel real. I think she must have resented me for a long time, and that she was projecting. She sent a message saying our friendship was over if I didn’t immediately apologize (this is after she told me to F off, f myself, and attacked and mocked me) and say she was a really good friend. It broke my heart (and still does) but I told her that even though I didn’t want to lose my best friend, I refused to be treated like that. Never did I dream she would use such vile and manipulative behavior on me. When she started sending text after text berating me, I knew that I had to block and erase her. And it sucks. It reminds me of that Bojack Horseman quote of red flags just showing up as flags when you wear rose colored glasses :/
Thanks for all help and words of comfort, guys. I really appreciate it.
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@pemberley Maybe there were flags before, but it doesn't matter now. You did your best and it's on her to end it like this... No true friend would go and say "If you don't immediately apologize it's over" as it's just trying to pressure you into giving into their ways. You wanted to clear it up to make sure you're on good terms and she has no right to trat you like that.
I hope you will recover from it rather sooner than later. <3
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Hey @pemberley , how are you feeling?
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