"The war on consoles" (fan made part 2 of "ugh, these console players...)
It has been 2 weeks since the console peasants have joined us PC elites. They come from every corner, plaguing this beautiful, amazing PC exclusive community. Everything was great, but now it is ruined by these filthy, disgusting controller users. The kind of people that only bathe every 2 weeks. Jokes on them, im at least bathing once a week.
Because of the pandemic of the game, I have decided to switch to maining killer. I run a modest killer: ultimate slowdown Freddy. He is truly overrated, and the slowdown is necessary. If i was able to, I would use the ultimate nurse, but i tried her once, and i nearly died irl.
As my lobby loads in, I see it:
*4 globe survivors*
This must be a swf. It is impossible! "If they think they can get away with this, then they are mistaken!" I said as equip my ebony mori. Sure, they only have 1 medkit, but i bet it is a bottled time kit. I firmly place my monocle over my eye, and the match begins.
As the match loads in, I see 3 offerings come into play. However, i must take my epic PC gamer dump before the match, so it was missed. "I'll check when I come back".
As I approach my 3rd shiny monitor since my 1st encounter with these monsters, I saw that we were on Ormond. I knew what happened! They brought a map offering, I don't even need to see it on the offering page!
With the rage of a thousand suns, I push down the W key as hard as I can. Everyone knows that if you hit keys harder, than you move faster. The rush of adrenaline as I thought about how I'm going to destroy these global ######### was filling me fast.
I see 2 survivors on a gen, and as 1 runs off to leave, another just sits there and keeps working. Why is he there? Could he be planning something?
"He must be planning to finish the gen in my face! Toxic!"
As I grab him with my cat-like reflexes, I hear the slight scream of him getting on my shoulders.
*I'm just to good at this game*
As I hook him next to the gen, I realize that the gen was only about 30% done. I also realize that kicking it isnt worth putting my precious feet on the holy PC grounds on a gen that consoles touched.
Instead, I turned around to pretend to put my ass to it, and let out another juicy, glorious PC fart, this time with the smell of mommy's meatloaf. This one needs to be bottled to.
With me realizing that I have wasted enough time, I quickly use my teleport power, only to discover that I went to the wrong gen, and 2 generators popped instantly
"Damn survivors, always gen-rushing me like this! This is why I bring my mori against you!"
After looking for a minute and not finding anything, I see the Notification that only true PC players can take advantage of. The fool unhooked him in my terror radius! With my epic reflexes, I hit the W key towards them, and use my amazing 144hz monitor with my RTX 2070 super to see the survivors hiding in the corner.
I walk over there, and there it is! 2 survivors just sitting there, waiting to be attacked. I swing at the healthy one and he runs. Then I turn my attention to the injured one and down him.
*my skills are to good for this guy*
The next 1 minute I spend just looking at his body, on the ground, crawling for his life! The trail of blood is making me enjoy it even more! As I get on top of him, I charge up my mori, and then...
*2 more gens pop*
But how can I be losing? Im a PC gamer against these console peasants! This is my god-given right to destroy them! Fine, if they think they can win, then I'll destroy the world!
Employing my reflexes 1 last time, I swiftly hit the exit game button, making to where the entire match gets deleted.
*I did it*
.
.
.
*I stopped them from leaving*
A sigh of relief came over me as we went into the match results page, i looked at the team
*3 purple ranks and a green rank*
It was true, I was going against the sweeties ones on their platform. Obviously a swf no doubt. If they wanna play against us like this then fine!
*This means war!*
Comments
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Nice, it was honeslty pretty funny. Didnt like the fart jokes but otherwise you did well!
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off in the distance, in the voice of thousands of xbox, ps4, and switch boot up tones you hear "Viva la revolution!" as your transparent, liquid cooled, dual graphic carded, multi spectral led lit PC turns a worrying shade of blue and your macro enhanced keyboard factory resets
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Haha <3 I'm glad my post inspired you
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igenerator.i was absolutely correct in my assumptions on the thought processes of a PC gamer. Thanks for validating my bias lol!
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well, I know it isn't as good as yours, but i still wanted to try.
Btw, do you plan to make a pt2, because your post had me dying of laughter.
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Hmm I have to be in a very specific mood to write stuff, but i'll consider it
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Simple if you don't want to play with console turn off cross-play
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You do know this is a joke right. Can't tell if you're being serious or sarcastic.
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