Choking Sorrow (Fan Made Chapter)
So, I got bored in class and decided to make this. The chapter is work in progress right now, as I have no clue what the killer or their power is going to be. Right now it's just the survivor. If you guys have any suggestions for what the killer could be or any criticism of the survivors perks/lore, let me know.
@Dabihwow @Beelzeboop, I would love to hear what you two think.
Choking Sorrow
New Killer: ???
New Survivor: Graydon Smith
New Map: Ashton Streets
Appearance: Graydon is a tall pale caucasian male in his late twenties. He has dirty brown hair, and a stubble where a beard would be. Because of his bad habits and aggressive work schedule, he appears to be in his mid thirties. His outfit consists of dark green trousers, black shoes, a white t-shirt, and a back overcoat and baseball hat. He can commonly be found smoking a cigarette and striking his classic grin.
Life can be a cruel mastermind at times. Graydon Smith was one of its many victims. Despite the tough circumstances, Graydon pushed through it all for the sake of others. He could always be seen with a gentle smile, willing to lend a hand to anyone who needed one.
Abandoned by his parents at the age of twelve along with his seven year old sister Marry, he marched through the dingy cold streets of Ashton City to the nearest orphanage he could find. Luckily for Graydon and Marry, the Graydon Orphanage was one of the few not rundown buildings in the city, as it was government funded.
Graydon got along fine with the other children, but he preferred to stand alone most of the time. Marry was a different story, as she was far more sociable than her brother, a way to compensate for the sadness she felt at the loss of her parents. When Marry would weep with sorrow during the long nights, Graydon would always sing to her to warm her heart.
At the age of eighteen, Graydon was kicked out of the orphanage. With not a dime to his name, he tried desperately to get any job he could, but no company with a high paying job was willing to hire him. With nowhere else to go, he hesitantly settled for a job at a cheap gas station. It wasn’t enough to pay the bills though, so Graydon was forced to sell drugs to keep food on the table. The job at the gas station as well as drug selling was just enough to afford living in his run down apartment. As a form of stress relief, Graydon turned to smoking as a pastime.
This cycle continued until Marry turned eighteen and was kicked out of the orphanage just like her brother. Despite his poor living conditions, Graydon accepted his sister with open arms - willing to bear the weight of supporting another person. Marry took up a job working at a small cafe, to help lessen the load her brother had to hold.
One of Graydon’s hobbies was taking long strolls during the cold nights. Staring up at the sky and taking a drag of his cigarette, he would hum his favorite song and ponder his life. It was a great way to clear his head of any worries and remind him of what kept him going - his sister. After five more years of living like this, and even would happen that would change the course of Graydon and Marry's life.
During one of his nighttime strolls, Graydon had decided to stop at a local convenience store to pick up a couple packs of cigarettes and some snacks.
When he entered the small store, he noticed that it was just him and the clerk. The clerk, judging by a quick glance, was a young lad, probably eighteen or nineteen. He had ginger hair and a blank look on his face, accompanied by a tired expression. Made sense to Graydon considering how late it was.
As Graydon looked around the back of the store for a bag of Marry’s favorite chips, he heard the bell ring that signaled the door to the convenience store had been opened. Taking a quick look over the shelf he was browsing, the man he saw enter the store was dressed in a back hoodie and sweatpants. He gave Graydon a bad vibe.
Graydon’s fears were confirmed when he heard a startled gasp from the counter. He poked his head out from around the shelf to see the man in the hoodie holding a handgun to the clerks head. Graydon silently thanked the lord that the man with the gun didn’t know he was in the store. Graydon knew he had to do something, otherwise the clerk could be harmed. With nothing in the store to use as a weapon, Graydon slowly crept up behind the armed man.
Using all his strength, Graydon swung his hands around the man's neck and put him in a headlock. To his surprise, the man didn’t drop the gun like Graydon was hoping for. Instead, he fought back by elbowing the butt of the handgun into Graydon’s ribs. Graydon stumbled back as the man swung around and quickly fired two rounds at him. Both of them hit, striking his torso. Blood began leaking from Graydon’s chest, but because of the adrenaline coursing through his veins he barely felt the bullets. Using his remaining energy, Graydon charged the man and tackled him to the floor.
The man still hadn’t dropped the gun, and Graydon knew it wouldn’t be long before the man overpowered him. Doing some quick thinking, Graydon did the only thing he could think of. Plucking the cigarette from his mouth, he shoved the burning butt of it into the man's eye. He recoiled in agony, screaming brutally as he finally dropped the gun on the tiled floor. Graydon had been too distracted fighting the man to notice the clerk had ran away. The clerk returned holding a metal pipe, and he slammed it down into the hooded man’s head.
Graydon couldn’t tell if the man was dead, or simply unconscious, but he guessed it was the ladder. Stumbling to his feet, he looked over at the clerk and cracked a small grin.
“Hey, can I have a pack of those cigs?”
The clerk shakily nodded and handed Graydon a pack of the cigarettes he had pointed too. As he pulled one out of the package and grabbed the lighter in his pocket, he let out a cough. Looking down at his hand, he saw it was speckled in blood. The sight suddenly made him aware of the burning pain growing in his chest. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, Graydon realized the graveness of his injuries.
It became too much for him to bear and Graydon fell backwards onto the floor. Coughing up more blood, his vision started to blur as he saw the clerk dialing an ambulance. He wouldn’t let go though. Graydon knew what would happen if he closed his eyes.
Because of how long the ambulance took to arrive, and because of the poor state the hospital was in, Graydon knew he wasn’t going to make it, he just needed a little more time…
Laying in the hospital bed, he heard the door swing open, and he didn’t even need to look over at it to see who had opened it. Marry rushed over to her fatally wounded brother, and sobbed as she hugged him. Graydon also noticed standing in the doorway was the store clerk, and he slowly shuffled into the room after Marry. Looking over at the young lad, Graydon urged him closer.
“Hey, be careful out there alright?”
Graydon spoke to the boy in a quiet voice, and although he tried to hide it, he could tell the clerk was starting to cry. Looking back over at Marry, he gave her one of his classic grins.
“I think I just about got time for one last send off.”
Just as the sun began to rise and peak through the window next to his bedside, Graydon sung Marry’s favorite song, the same one that he would sing to her all those years ago back in the orphanage. And then Graydon closed his eyes, and let out his final breath.
When he opened his eyes, Graydon was nowhere near Ashton City. Instead, he was in a dark forest. A cool breeze brushed past his face, and Graydon wondered just where in the hell he actually was. Looking off in the distance, he saw a group of silhouettes sitting around a campfire. Shrugging his shoulders and lighting up a cigarette, he began taking a calm stroll towards the light. I mean, what the hell else was he going to do?
Graydon Smith comes with three teachable perks.
Life On The Edge: You live dangerously, hell, you’ve seen all this world’s got to throw at you. When injured, press the Active Ability button to activate Life On The Edge. Your next rushed vault regardless of approach, will be a fast vault with 50% increased vaulting speed. Life On The Edge will cause the Exhausted Status effect for 60/50/40 seconds after use.
“Smoking helps calm the nerves, y’know?” - Graydon Smith
Reflective Reassurance: Life’s been cruel to you, but that doesn’t mean you have to be cruel to others. For every survivor you heal, gain a token. Each token increases the chance to trigger a skill check while performing any action that can trigger them by 7%. Increases great skill check success zones by 15% at all times. Can earn up to 4/5/6 tokens.
“Sh sh sh sh sh, I’m here, I’ll sing you your favorite song, okay?” - Graydon Smith
Reaper Calls: You’ve seen death before, and it sure as ######### ain’t gonna stop you now. Whenever the killer gains 1,000 bloodpoints in the Brutality scoring category, you gain a 7% increase to repair, healing, and sabotage speeds for 20/25/30 seconds. Whenever the killer gains 1,000 bloodpoints in the Hunting scoring category, you gain a 7% Haste status effect for 20/25/30 seconds.
“Alright then, come at me you ugly son of a #########.” - Graydon Smith
Comments
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I like the perks, however it has some potential to be absolutely evil in the hands of SWF. Now you just need a killer that fits the tone of you chapter.
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I don't really see how any of the perks could be "evil" in a swf.
I'm not sure what the killer could be, but I was thinking maybe a wisp of some kind? Though honestly I've made a lot of "monster" like killers so maybe I should try going for something more human?
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Well the fact the killer gets BP everytime they do well, and basically awards a second chance for the survivor. But thats just me
Now for killer, do what you want. It doesn't have to be perfect hell I remember my first ever chapter concept and it flat out sucked, do what you please. It also depends on what you want to make the killer to be,
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I'm currently trying to thing of a creative power for them. I typically try and think of a power first, and then theme the killer around that idea.
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Not to be nit-picky (which, thinking about it, that's actually probably why you called me in the first place) the survivor's appearance seems just ever so slightly too close to some guys we've already seen. Change the coat color and we're good as gold.
The story is actually great, although Graydon seems a bit too... good, I guess. I would say he needs some more obvious flaws to flesh out his character, but it isn't really necessary.
I pretty much agree with everything Dabi said, so just imagine I rephrased that with about 73% more pretentiousness and snark.
Also, I think being 3% slower for a full 30 seconds as a trade-off for an extra-fast vault seems a bit... excessive. You're basically giving the killer a free hit in exchange for avoiding one. Which, admittedly, might be the point. I would suggest making it an Exhaustion perk instead of just putting in a cooldown, due to the concept alone of DHing to the window and then activating LOtE.
For the killer, I would suggest a mob boss or something. I feel like killers and survivors should be foils to each other aesthetically, mechanically, and personality-wise.
So, some themes that I feel like you should include in the killer with that in mind:
- Decadence, excess
- Ruthlessness, cruelty
- Domination, oppressiveness
- Pettiness
Post edited by Beelzeboop on2 -
Thanks for your advice about Graydon! I'll probably go back and change some things about him.
I actually had an idea for what the killer could be that match's the themes you suggested. I was thinking he could be a mod boss that sent the goon to rob the convenience store.
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Ok so Reaper Calls is already really iffy in concept, but how much haste to you get? Like, 5%? Haste is either 7% speed increase from Hope, 4% from NOED (for Killers), or 50% from Sprint Burst. Just like Hindered, the value it changes needs to be specified. Also, 15% increase in action speed for 30 seconds when the KILLER is doing well??? Something that rewards you for the Killer doing well, especially with such a high increase to action speeds (including vaulting because you didn't specify what action speeds it increases), is kinda really bad design.
Life on the Edge is really interesting imo, but it should be an Exhaustion perk in replace of the cooldown and not hinder you after use.
Reflective Reassurance with Fast Track would be pain and suffering, I like it. I wouldn't consider it op either because then you can't run some of the better perks out there, but it'd still be insane if all 4 Survivors ran it.
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Reaper Calls gives you a 7% Haste effect, and the action speed boost isn't like Spinechill, so it won't effect things like vaulting. I admit though the numbers on it are pretty nutty, so I'll probably tone them down. And yes, while it does reward you for the killer playing well, the kicker is that you can't control when it may proc. For example, if the killer is chasing someone and they earn 1,000 in Hunting, the Haste effect isn't going to be useful to you at all if you're on a gen.
I'll probably change Life On The Edge to be an exhaustion perk.
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Spine Chill has the same boost as something like Leader, but its boost affects all actions because it doesn't specify what actions it affects. You need to specify what action speeds are increased.
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Alright I updated it.
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