Pinebrook Prologue
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Page 4 genuinely made me feel actual horror, like a BIG amount of horror. Well #########' done!
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Thanks which part, though, the mirror, or the creature? Either way thank you, I created a saying for myself once,true horror should never be taken lightly, ever! I was sick and tired of seeing rehashed bullshit in the horror genre over and over, it made me want to fall asleep. When it lightly touches on issues but in the end made it seem alright and always happy, it always struck a nerve, they should've left scarred not cheerful at all. True horror should floor it, never should it touch the fear lightly but strike it with force, it is meant to disturb and create uneasiness, uncomfortable feelings, and invoke fear. But it shouldn't be rehashed cliches, which is next to impossible to do in this genre, but you should try to avoid them constantly. I wanted to create a series, that gave the biggest middle finger to the past failures, and show them what true horror is.
However that doesn't mean it should be just flatout horror, if you just make a book,game, or whatever with no form of small comforts, and lighthearted moments, its just gonna be a torturous ride, particularly if it takes quite a while, like Outlast 2 does, it will leave people just tired and they sometimes leave unhappy or satisfied, with what was made. However you should be aware this is still horror, and not make it too lighthearted but enough for people to smile and enjoy. Thats' what I like about Stranger Things, its funny and lighthearted at times but it gets serious in horror aspects when it needs to be. I absolutely find it masterful, but that is just my opinion. I follow by that golden rule for quite a while
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Mhm! And I found the mirror to be pretty uncomforting, in a good way. I really like how you put it together. I'm not necessarily a bookworm, but I think you did a great job!
I really like how Stranger Things has its comedic moments too, it's a show that actually has terrifying parts in it.
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Yeah I like How Stranger Things does it, but a bit spoilerish there is a much more uncomfortable moment then the mirror
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Oooo, that's something to look forward to!
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However I will warn you, it is going to be slightly cut given for how serious it will be
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@GoobyNugget ,@QwQw I know this is still a bit fast, but this is page 5, and honestly its more like a page and a half, maybe even two pages! But this is the 5th page, however this is probably one of the most important page out of all of these. But i'll leave that for your to read, I really want to thank you two and everyone else as well for pushing me to do this, but enough waiting lets begin, also this is when the more adult themes sink in. Let me know what you think and give me honest critism
Out from the door a humanoid being came out from the door, it had the same molten orange glow, and eye holes from the alley. The hairs on Elliots neck and body stood up as he struggled to breathe, he finally got a full view of what he saw. This thing almost entirely resembled a human, it showed its' bare chest which was toned, as well as its arms, it was taller then Elliot maybe standing six or seven feet. It also wore black pants with large flaps of supposedly leather that have been charred and was torn in some places, they hung right around the waist, the skin was tan and burned, it was also red in some areas as burnt skin tore away. There were cracks all over the body and straps of metal that were stuck to the skin to hold down some of the larger cracks within the body. There was a large piece of metal covering the stomach area all the way up to the breast, and were held down by straps that resembled belts attaching to the back.
Its gloves extended to the elbows that had metal cuffs on each side, but with all that, its head is what stood out the most. It wore a face iron, with holes that extended in a circular motion like a gas mask. Thats what it was a iron gas mask that circled the whole head, there were even bolts to hold down the mask. A large circular opening where the mouth is, Elliot could see a set of crooked teeth, the head reminded him of some kind of furnace almost. The thing carried a large fireaxe in its right, but this fire axe looked somewhat longer then a meter stick, with the blade that had holes that glowed the same orange and a rustic design, it even emitted heat. The handle was long even for an axe, it was wrapped in leather wrappings and with textures of some kind of metal wrapping around near the head connecting to the handle.
The things' footsteps echoed with a loud stomp and the sound of chains rattling, the creature from before struggled, but was out of view. The thing grabbed the creature as it struggled to wiggle out of the monsters' grasp, but it was in vain for the monster grabbed the creature's tongue and tore it off. Elliot just watched breathless, as tears enveloped in his eyes, the creature with its hook pierced the monsters' arm, it roared in aggression and hate. It grabbed the hook, tearing it off the creature, and tossing it aside, with its ax, the creature . With just a bit of it stuck to the monsters' axe, it lifted the head with one hand anch chucked it at a wall, smashing its head against it.
This Furnace thing heaved in and out, its breathe was hollow, deep, and calling intimidating would be understating it. Elliot noticed tubes, and metal wires around the neck or even making up a part of the neck as it ran deep into the skin of the Furnace thing. It began to stomp off to the right, as it lifted its axe, Elliot noticed that the axe seemed to have slightly torched the floorboards without touching it. Every footstep against floor was like a sledgehammer, Elliot felt the floor shake a little for each step. He dared not move or speak, till he could no longer hear its footsteps or heavy breathing, he realized there were tears in his eyes, he frowned and shook it off.
Elliot stood up and began to maneuver around the debris, he saw the remains of the monster, it lay there as its food like guts, and moldy blood were spewing out of the neck. It smelled like uncooked meat that was left in a refrigerator and not even touched. Elliot couldn't look at it any longer for it made his stomach queasy, but something in the area caught his attention. Elliot looked down the hallway from where the exit was, and he heard the clicking of heels on the floor. " Julie." He said.
Elliot began to walk towards her, but when he met her, she wasn't smiling as she was carrying a med kit. " Where do you think your going you need to lie down, you want harm yourself more!?" Julie growled, this caught Elliot off guard. When He first met Julie she was kind and helpful, but now she is acting more like a ######### then a nurse. " I came looking for you, I was going to-" "I don't care, my job is to make sure my patients are unharmed, and you disobeyed your..." she stopped for a bit to recollect herself, Elliots eyes widened, he remembered cuffs on the bed, and she looked vaguely familiar, from one of Elliot's adult magazines." Your not a nurse, your a ######### for one, but your a prostitute, you want to... get out of the way, I'm getting help." Elliot declared, he began to walk but was shoved by Julie
Julie just stared, she was beyond furious, that her eyes almost look like they darkened. " No... your gonna obey your nurse, and I will get what I want!" Julie screamed as she pulled out a syringe and charged at Elliot, he grabbed her by the arms and with a swift movement punched her in the rightside of her face. Julie staggered backwards clutching on her bruise, Elliot hit a woman for the very first time, he stared dumbfounded. " You small cocksucker, but don't worry I don't mind playing rough!" Julie growled seductively, Elliot' felt chills in his spine strangely. Julie faced Elliot and removed her hand over the bruise around the eye, the beautiful tan skin was peeling away revealing a large area, of darkened white latex.
Elliot's breathe intensified, as he stared at the monster that was called Julie.There was no eye hole, just a bland yet beautiful face that covered the head tightly, there was a sign of ear but were wrapped extremely tight around the head. The tan skin began peeling away more and more, leaving nothing but a gooey liquid that emitted a ripe aroma, Julie began to laugh maniacally as she began to walk towards Elliot. The clothes fell away, the heels stayed as if it was attached to the body, it was red in color. Once the final pieces of the flesh was gone, Elliot saw the whole thing, its whole body was covered in latex, there was gozz wrappings around the breasts and waist, and a red whit cross label upon the chest. Julie had a curvaceous body, but Elliot showed no remote interest, he wanted to run, but found rooted to the spot. " Ah, much better, now lets have our fun big boy, your nurse needs it." Julie giggled, as she held the huge syringe.
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I mentally called that so hard. The moment Julie left and ######### started going down, I knew she wan't normal.
Honestly this might be my favorite page yet.
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I wanted it to be kinda obvious, but she is what is called a Dollatix ( Doll-a-tricks), they are monsters born to represent the lustful minds, and desires that are hidden from human eye. What makes them scary is that they can blend in and use their bodies to try and catch their pray, but they try to do other things to their victims before swallowing them whole. Also Julie isn't Elliots biggest threat that monster in the beginning is, that monster is called Furnace-head, he represents our anger, our hatred and how we release it upon others, this monster was, a very personal creation because it was the very first monster I ever made when creating Pinebrook
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This gives me even more Silent Hill vibes than the last one, which is very good cause I love SIlent Hill.
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I take it "Furnace Head" is gonna stir up some problems later down the line?
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Silent Hill is the biggest inspiration of this whole thing, that kind of psychological horror when I first saw it, I was angry it wasn't even used anymore, so I wanted to bring it back
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He is this series pyramid head, or Nemesis, the figurehead of these monsters
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I have an idea for the Furnace's name, what about "The Smelter"?
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Yeah that's what I figured.
My spring break started today, so I should some more free time to edit pages four and five now.
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Oooh I like it, although originally I named him the Fireman, since he did in his original design where a fireman helmet but I cut it because I thought it was to cheesy, plus how are you gonna place it on his head like that. But I like the Smelter
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Mine literally started last friday and had only one week
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That'd be hilarious, seeing a big monster with a tiny fireman helmet on
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I get Friday off, and then the entirety of next week.
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Oh boy I got a lot to work on then, but I might incorporate a moment from on of your favorite themes of a certain horror game
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Ohhh~ I wonder what game that could be?
Honestly I am really hyped for Pinebrook, it's just such a cool series. I can't wait to see more of it.
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This one was pretty good! I love Elliot's personality and the way he pissed Julie off. I wonder if we'll see Julie again?
Also I love the concept of the Furnace monster, I picture it similarly to The Keeper from The Evil Within.
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thanks, the Furnace monster, is called Furnace head, he is a representative of our rage, our hatred and how we enact these feelings on others we don't show to people. Yeah we might see the real Julie if I ever decide to do it, but not now. The main inspiration for Furnace head was Pyramid Head and Mr.x and Nemesis and others. I wanted to make a monster that stood out, and was something people will remember, and it was difficult to make something absolutely unique, but here we are.
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DIdn't see your quote until today sorry about that, but yeah it would be, but he's not like hulkish in size, he's rather human really, but yeah it would've been sill plus how would you fir that on the mask?
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I'm back, and I'm gonna try to behave this time. I've missed talking to you. And criticizing you. Speaking of which:
You kind of abused the linking words in a couple of places. For example:
He unclipped it from his pocket and cut himself free which left him alone in the dark.The way this is worded makes it seem like cutting himself free is the event that causes him to be alone and in an area with little to no light. Given the genre, this might be intentional, but it seems like a mistake.
One major problem that I'm seeing is confusion in punctuation. For example:
Elliot took a deep breath and exhaled, he just wanted to go home and get out.Putting a period in place of the comma would make the flow better and make the sentence slightly easier to read. Remember that a good portion of writing is the illusion that the author is eloquent and skilled beyond reasonability. The best way to do this is through the use of heavy editing, even when it takes some humanity out of the piece.
Same issue with commas being used in the place of periods or being absent altogether, but I can tell you've improved signifigantly since the last page.
I've also noticed a distinct lack of the application of the very important rule "show, don't tell," which admittedly I suffer with myself at times. Actually, you did the showing part excellently, but you also added the "telling" part, which the rule specifically says not to do. This wouldn't be that big of a deal if the genre you seem to be going for wasn't Slightly Surreal Psychological/Survival Horror, since each genre added into the mashup relies heavily on this rule.
I love the Bubblehead Nurse vibe I'm getting here.
I don't know any good tutors for coding, but I do know some good youtubers for game design. Google "Adam Millard - The Architect of Games," "Gamemaker's Toolbox"(this is actually the group that organizes gamejams), and potentially look up Jacob Geller, even though hes more about video essays on video games than analyzing their design.
A good book on the subject would be GURPS: Horror, even though its mainly focused on tabletop gaming, specifically the writing and designing part. Plus, it has a list of horror classics to check out in the back of the book, with everything from Bioshock to Frankenstein, or The Modern Prometheus. About half of it is GURPS (Generic Universal Roleplaying System) specific stuff, which may not seem useful, but I found the system is fairly easy to model monsters and characters in, since its basically the TV Tropes of TTRPGs.
Speaking of TV Tropes, I would suggest checking them out, especially the "So You Want To/ Write a Survival Horror Game" and the "Horror Tropes" pages.
While I'm suggesting references, I should probably suggest some books on writing in general. the book Writing Monsters: How to Craft Believably Terrifying Creatures to Enhance Your Horror, Fantasy, and Science Fiction, by Phillip Athans. Its a good book, and has plenty of tips on speculative fiction writing, especially horror, besides the content advertised in the title. It helped me a lot, and is one of my favorite books on writing.
Pretty much any book by Scott McCloud is a great choice, specifically Understanding Comics, as it talks about the creation of media, stylization, and communicating through stories in general.
I'll to a post discussing the second page of this thread soon, but this one is just for the first page so far.
I'm sorry I missed so much of this. This is honestly great, and I'm proud to be part of it, even with such a small role.
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OH MY ######### god your back I missed you man yeah I will work on this in time and thank you for the comments
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Thanks for the warm welcome back, and you're welcome for the comments.
I'll hopefully be here all week.
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Alright, now onto pages 4-5 1/2.
"Elliot grabbed a handful and washed his face, he got a handful and began washing his face."
Always write thoughts in italic. It makes it less confusing for the average reader.
Punctuation again, particularly in the seventh paragraph.
Sixth paragraph has issues with pacing towards the end due to run-on sentences.
Sixth and seventh paragraphs seem to have issues with choosing the right words. I can't really call the problem anything else, but the issue is understandable. "Sighed" in the place of "side" fits with the tone, but not exactly with the english language. "Starred" was probably just a typo now that I think about it, so I'll let you off the hook (pun intended).
The issues with the writing I've noted combine to make it really hard to visualize the cow stalker in the room.
Three and four were great. Not just good, but actually, genuinely great. It reminds me of the scene in... Devotion, was it? where the player character starts washing his hands, then starts seeing blood on his hands, so he starts washing harder and faster until he's rubbing his skin raw. He looks at his hands, staring at the gore pooled in his palms.
I wanna criticize the hooks and chains, but I can't really. It feels just a tiny bit too close to the Otherworld from SH, but I honestly adore the idea of the environment being exactly the same except for meat hooks and chains hanging from the ceiling, dripping fresh, hot, sanguine fluids of unknown origins.
It was pretty ambitious of you to try and make paragraph seven mostly auditory. Writing Monsters, one of the books I recommended, has an entire section on making stretches of the story where we only get one sense, going into everything from hearing to even tasting. Overall, with the level experience you have, pretty good. I probably couldn't do much better.
Same issues as the last page, but with notably more typos. The most egregious (to me specifically) have to be the use of the wrong "your." Repeatedly.
You seem to be overusing certain words.
"Ripe aroma" shouldn't have appeared twice. I would suggest either making it "the same ripe aroma from the bedsheets," for more clarity, or change the word the second time to some other words. Noisome, putrid, wretched, vile, even just plain awful would work. Be extravagant!
The curb-stomp battle between Fridge Horror and The Furnace Thing was a bit difficult to read. You didn't specify which one was which, so the reader has to gather which one is "the creature" and which one is "the monster" from context clues. A quick fix would be to refer to Furnace Head as "the furnace thing" during the whole fight. Also, unless the narrator (in this case, Elliot, even though it is in third person limited) has reason to believe that the word is an actual name, don't capitalize a word. The exception is if the designation is essentially going to act as a name, and even that is a stylistic choice.
Its a bit too early to tell, but with these types of monsters, the designs need to be heavily symbolic, and I'm not seeing that in Furnace Head here. Once again, maybe it just hasn't shown up yet, but it reminds me a bit too much of Pyramid Head, just without masterful execution in the best horror game ever made. Look up "Silent Hill Butcher."
EDIT: Just got to the third page of the thread. I understand the symbolism now. Kinda embarrassed I didn't get it before.
Just a note: an axe with an overly long handle is called a halberd. Its a medieval weapon used for taking out targets who thought that their shields would make up for a lack of armor.
I love the monster descriptions. Flawed as they may be in execution, in concept they all strike gold. I honestly want to draw them both. If I ever do, I'll have to use my drawing tablet so I can post the pictures here.
I also have an idea for a stalker based on the concept of a fear of commitment, so I might send you a picture of that idea too.
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Also, sorry if my criticism comes off as a bit pretentious or harsh, but I'm trying to be as helpful as I possibly can.
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Well I am thankful for the criticism and I do have @QwQw who is editing it for me. Problem is that I mostly am writing these when I'm at school on a draft her eon the forums, and when I have to go move to a new class, I kinda lose focus a bit on what I was writing beforehand ( also thank you Qw!). I don't leave the symbolic parts out, I tend to give very little to an idea of what these characters are. However Furnace Head design wise, I think its fine, however the thing is Furnace Head isn't an actual monster, I can't tell you exactly what he is, but I can tell you is that some of his physical description is to show this characters' story, also I know what halberd is I chose it be a fire axe to follow along with this character symbolism, originally he was supposed to wear a fireman helmet ( which I might allow, at some point), but I felt it would've been way to obvious for what this character was.
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Thanks! And by the way, sorry for kind of taking a break from editing. Recently with school starting back up for me, my life's been a bit busier than before.
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Oh its fine take your time
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Hello! I'm not playing a role but I'm happy to be here!
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Oh, sorry. I didn't realize that QwQw was actually your editor. In that case, I'll refrain from criticizing your spelling and punctuation, since you have someone handling it.
I didn't mean to insinuate that you were ignoring symbolism. The Dollitrix makes it clear that you understand it and are implementing it, but I didn't understand what the symbolism for Furnace Head was supposed to be. Ambiguity is a common but strong horror writing tool, so I want to encourage it, not discourage it.
I want to make it clear that I love the design for the guy. I just thought that with all the similarities, Pinebrook looks a bit too close to a Silent Hills knock-off for me to feel comfortable not mentioning it.
The whole school thing makes a lot of sense, TBH. I often get my best ideas while practicing my cursive. I'll start being a little less critical in some areas with the circumstances in mind.
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Its fine I absolutely get it, Silent Hill actually is a big reason for me writing Pinebrook to begin with. The detail and horror that it showed, I was a bit sad that we don't see it in the way Silent Hill made it, so in a way Pinebrook is me reviving that side of horror,
Furnace Head was actually inspired off of Nemesis, PH, The Keeper, and Jason Voorhees, but really he is a very personal creature to me. I created him during a very dark time of my life, I was angry with who I was and I hated what was happening with my life, not seeing my friends, and I hated painting a smile that things were going to get better when I kept telling myself they weren't. I was anxious I was restless, yet I still bottled it up, and then I wondered if anger was a monster or a person what would it be. Furnace Head was my way of expressing my pain of keeping my anger bottled up how it killed me on the inside, to show what happens when we let our anger slip through the cracks, and what the result is when brought upon others. The result is that they are left harmed, scarred, and in pain, he enacts it though abbussive and violent means, whether it be ######### to ease the sexual frustration, beating them with a chain ( mimicking how a dad spanking his child with a belt), and these are some I can think off the top of my head
EDIT: reworded it
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@Beelzeboop sorry to bug you again but was my description of Furnace Head better, this time?
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@Dabihwow no problem at all, bug me anytime you want.
Yeah, I really like the description. I didn't respond when you posted it at first mainly because I couldn't really think of an appropriate response to that, not because it had any issues. It was pretty good as it was, but improving something already good shows dedication and passion, two of the most important virtues needed for an artist like yourself.
You really hit home with the symbolism there, and I want you to know that I understand completely. The idea of a monster representing bottled up rage, depression, and frustration has been done before, but this one feels fundamentally unique.
I feel like everyone can relate to this thing to some extent, and, in the end, that's the point of symbolism: to subtly tell a story without having to explicitly say the details. Like an inside joke, but more dramatic than funny.
All in all, a great monster with excellent symbolism, a powerful premise, and a wonderfully horrific design. In less pretentious terms, you did a good job.
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Thank you, I have been struggling to understand what symbolism can bring, and before Furnace Head, was a monster I struggled to make, something new unique, impactful, but also terrifying.
Edit that other monste rthat Furnace Head kills, I'm stuggling to come up a name for it, but the idea of it was what if the food you thre away or didn't eat out of picky eating, could harm you.
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Sooo it'd be a leftovers monster?
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Basically, it was something that popped in my head when creating a list of monsters I could add, the thing is these things are humanoid, but animal, originally they had no meaning but they now represent hunger or gluttony
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Some names for the creatures (I assume they're fairly common monsters):
Vore
The Wretched Ones
Fridge Horrors
Carrion Creepers
Putrid
Raw Peel
Bloated Abominations
Rotten Beasts
Gluttonous
These are just off the top of my head. Are any of these good?
EDIT: Thought that I should mention, I've been calling it "Cowboy" this whole time.
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I like Fridge Horrors, Carrion creepers, and Gluttonous, but recently I thought of the work Pickeaters
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I like it!
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I did some art, but I can't post it right now.
Soon, though.
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Oh awesome I'd like to see, I also kinda forgot to mention some of the descriptions about FUrnace HEad, he wears old fashioned galoshes as well, but I'll let you do you
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Anything you particularly like?
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Its based off or inspired off of Silent Hill, Stranger Things, Outlast, and RE
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Speaking of stranger things, the leftovers monster reminds me of season 3.
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