Pinebrook Prologue
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So to celebrate pride month , and Pinebrook's 1 year of me working on this
Daniel was walking down the school hallways, while dodging other students, he was making his way to the cafeteria. " Daniel!" A feminine voice called out. He turned around to see a close friend of his, Kellie Mason. She trotted to him her brunette colored hair, bouncing on her shoulders as she made her way to Daniel. " Hey Kellie, where you been? " Daniel asked as she stopped next to Daniel.
" I've been helpin' pa, a bit, sorry I didn't catch you." Kellie apologized, as she began walking with him. She was kind and was really pretty save for freckles, and slight acne. " No no it's fine, it's, I understand needing to help your old man." Daniel assured, Kellie was a close friend to Daniel and he was thankful. " You mean, your old man," She giggled as she pointed at him. " Shut up." Daniel replied as he playfully punched her, which made her giggle harder.
Kellie was playful which wasn't what Daniel was usually used to seeing. He cared for her, and would've asked her on a date. However she had other plans. " Anyway you asked out Morgan yet?" Daniel questioned Kellie. She blushed a bright red, than shook her head. " Not yet I don't wanna, y'know, embarrass myself to her." Kellie explained. " That's fine, I get it, but if you really want her, best do it 'cause she probably be taken if you don't asks her quick." Daniel replied.
" That wouldn't surprise me none, she is hot, I won't lie, but your right I'll try." Kellie cheerfully answered. " There you go girl, that's more like it!." Daniel cheered, which caught the attention of a few students, but he didn't notice. " Anyway, have you found anyone yet?" Kellie questioned Daniel. " Nah haven't found her yet but I will eventually, I 'm trying to find the right one y'know." He explained as they made it to the cafeteria. " That's fine, I get it, you'll find her, I bet she'll be a good kisser, yo-." Kellie barely finished her sentence as thing of milk was thrown at her.
Daniel gasped, and saw the ######### herself, Cassandra Hernandaz, he then glared at her. She is what you consider a stereotypical, prom queen, and popular mean girl. But Daniel had another name for her, The Queen of Bitchery. " Hell was that for, Cassandra!?" Daniel growled. " Watch what you say farmboy, I'd kick yo ass yo, now to answer your question. We have some beef with both you and that other kid." Cassandra shot back at Daniel, she spoke with a streetwise accent. " Leave it alone Daniel, I'm fine, and Cassandra at least I don't wear makeup, and fake breasts just to feel good about myself, you (BADWORD)!" Kellie shot back at Cassandra, she in which glared in return.
" Shut the ######### up, you (BADWORD), you think you can get a girl with yo ugly ass, please." Cassandra and her little girl gang giggled, Daniel sensed that Kellie was hurt by that, he kept his cool and dared not try anything. " Anyway, I ain't gonna let go, see you snitched on my boyfriend, about his little business here," " Oh you mean the one where he sells illegal crap to young people so they'll ######### up their lives, yeah uh no." Daniel calmly told. " You don't understand anything, you got him expelled, so yeah he is goin' to beat yo ass Linderton today after school yp." Cassandra explained.
" I guess its understandable that you wouldn't mind yo buisness, guess the (Badword) runs in the family, right Daniel?" Cassandra questioned which set of a bomb inside Daniel. He began seeing red, his hands curled into tight fists, his nostrils began steaming. " Oh #########." Kellie quietly whispered. Even though it took a lot to anger him, when he got angry however, there is gonna be hell to pay. " Daniel, no leave it-." Kellie tried to calm him down, but he shrugged her off as he began marching towards Cassandra, who now wasn't looking so brave, or snarky anymore. " Daniel!" A loud voice called to him, it was the schools officer.
" Now, son I need you come with me to the principal's office, now." The man ordered, all rage seemed to dissaperate when he told Daniel this. "Now!" He ordered much less kindly. Daniel was at a lost for words, he did nothing wrong yet, and he is still punished. He marched off hearing Cassandra snicker at him which made him even more tempted to punch her. A very pissed Daniel began marching off to the principal's office, waiting to for the man to decide his fate.
THe reason I used (BADWORD) is because there were things that were said, that mods would consider bannable so I am not tempting it. Happy Pride month nonetheless
Post edited by Dabihwow on2 -
Oh, another page!
Anyway, I assume this is gonna take place sometime before the prologue, when Daniel's life, (and Pinebrook for that matter) were normal?
Aside from that, no offense, but I suggest trying to make the dialog a little less "campy" for lack of a better word. Maybe try lessening up on the "yo's" a little bit?
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Yo is a streetwise slang, and since growing up hearing it in my school, you'll hear it from people who are streetwise. It is used rather commonly. Also this takes place after the prologue, and is to show how, the dark realm affects people outside of it.
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I really liked this one. I like the new characters (I hate Cassandra tho, but everyone needs a nemesis!) and I love how we're getting into Danny's normal life.
Also, good morning, afternoon, or evening to all of you, and happy Pride Month!
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Thanks, I didn't want it to sound homophobic yet still get a reaction out of readers. If I was to remove the (BADWORD) I can only say one of them is a homophobic slur. I really dislike, it but I want to get a reaction out of readers to make them hate Cassandra even more. Anyway I have a question, did I do Kellie Mason right? I never really wrote an LGBT character ever, so I wanted to know is this acceptable.
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I don't think you were being homophobic, in fact making a villain homophobic is good in my book because they're supposed to be represented as evil.I think you did good on making an LGBT character! The protagonist also acts as if it's normal that she wants to date another girl, which is good, treating LGBT people as normal individuals is nice. I also think LGBT people acting like themselves is great, for example...
Robin from Stranger Things.
Post edited by glitchboi on3 -
Damn it, I still Haven't watched Stranger Things. I wanted to make the LGBT character not only likeable for people who are LGBT, but for people who aren't. Thank you and happy pride month
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I probably should have spoilered it, my bad.
And you too!
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Its fine I still got to watch it
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Sorry that I'm late to the party again. I don't really have an excuse this time, other than maybe different time zones.
Yeah, you did good there. LGBTQ+ people tend to just be like anyone else, other than the difference in sexual preferences.
It's perfectly fine to have homophobia in your works, as long as it's never portrayed as a positive thing by the story itself. It works a lot like racism: hating people for something they can't control is never okay, and anyone who says it is is either trying to get people riled up or is horribly misguided.
If you're wondering how much authority I have here, recall that I'm a furry for a moment. Then forget that entirely and pretend I have some actual credentials.
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Do kids really say "yo" that much where you live? What state do you live in? If you don't me me asking.
Anyway, here's what I mean:
ORIGINAL: " Watch what you say farmboy, I'd kick yo ass yo, now to answer your question. We have some beef with both you and that other kid."
EDITED: "Watch what you say, farm-boy, or I'll kick yo ass. Now, to answer your question, we got some beef with both you, and that other kid."
Doesn't it sound a bit better without that extra "yo"? At the end of the day, you don't have to take my advice; it's your story, but I personally think it sounds a bit less cluttered without it.
Also, Beelzeboop, are you really a furry? Cause if so, than I literally never knew that.
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Thats fair. I usually found that someone being Gay or Lesbian as a trait, nothingless and nothing more. I also recall that you are a furry, I just wanted to make sure that the character just wasn't for people who are LGBT but for everyone basically. I wanted her to be normal mostly to avoid any stereotypes, but I think I did very well. Also for some reason I made a monster that is rather close to a furry kinda, it was based off of a not so famous local ghost story, its called dog face bridge. So the monster is inspired off of Dog face
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Okay maybe I used Yo a bit too much but I tended to hear a lot of that growing up. Also if you haven't figured out already, Pinebrook takes place in Indiana, I live in Indiana
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I actually never knew Pinebrook took place in Indiana.
I live in New Jersey myself.
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Oh damn your a lot farther than I thought, I thought you lived a lot closer. Is what is
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I never really had a guess as to where you lived, although somewhere in the back of mind I though you were southern. Guess I was wrong.
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So @Beelzeboop this might be a rude awakening. And I don't want to make it some wake-up call or anything. But I looked back on the old design of FurnaceHead you drew. I actually drew a drawing using your image. I'll leave a link to the drawing for you.
In short, the black lines show you needing or rearranging some of the things for example when I meant by extending the flaps I drew lines down to the legs. There is an additional line that runs across it horizontally, its also like this in the back. That line across it horizontally is actually remnants of a belt, that Furnace head stretched. The box around the chest area is the metal piece I asked for, in the center is an opening to his fiery body, so it's like an actual furnace symbolizing /showing the fiery anger within. Now The box around his arm is actually a strong belt loop.
In short, what he is wearing is remnants of an already torn full-body straight jacket that's been burned, ripped, and torn. I also put a black hole over the mouth, I actually kinda want it covered.
I drew a redline that is basically that part of him tends to have more clothing and show the straight jacket sleeves that are charred and burnt on the ends. When I mentioned cracks in the skin, this is what I meant. I was growing through the web of scary crap to use and came across a disease called the harlequin baby disease, which googles in your spare time. Those same cracks like the skin are peeling away from the heat, I cut it because of too much work and detail for a single character, plus I feared being called out by social media if I show them this fact.
I love what you have done already regardless, but now that I have a broader idea of what I'm looking for and understanding symbolism a bit I wanted to make Furnace Head appearance represent that too.
SYmbolism: The straight jacket aspect is to symbolize how it feels when we don't use our anger, we feel trapped, chained, like a dog on a leash. It's maddening, we want to break free, to vent that frustration. The wear and tear are to show that the anger is beginning to show, the beast has been unleashed if you will. This was the Furnace Head I imagined, but if you already go ahead and continue my apologies, I don't want to add any pressure at all because you've done enough for me already.
image:
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W H O
D A R E S
A W A K E N
M E
(I'll make a second piece for you by the end of next week [US time].)
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Take your time
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It's finished, I just need to get it sent to me by someone with a camera.
Only having skill in physical mediums is such a drag.
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I know the feeling
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I just found the music for the Pinebrook release trailer while I was waiting on the people with cameras to wake up. Just add a bit more abrasive warning klaxon noises mentally.
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Ow... my ears, its damn well disturbing. it wouldn't be the main theme for Pinebrook. I would imagine this music playing in the dark realm of Pinebrook, which fits perfectly. I actually wrote a moment where a character listens to a very chilling song I found. I'll link it for you. Anyway I might do a remix version of the song, copyright issues and all. But that's just me thank you though, I'll consider it
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Huh. That definitely suits Pinebrook better. It wouldn't be the best for a full trailer though (if/when the game comes out), but it could easily work if you got someone good enough.
I picked the song I did because it would be a bit easier to show off the unnerving, painful, violent, semi-surreal nature of Pinebrook with a lot less effort.
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It actually is the trailer song for a game that is Call of Cthulhu
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I was vaguely aware of that, but CoC is a cosmic horror game, and cosmic horror is the complete opposite of psychological horror.
In cosmic horror, any knowledge and/or progress gained brings you closer and closer to destruction, and there's more focus on investigation into the "true nature" of reality, which often means that everything the characters care about is meaningless. Madness and fear are secondary to despair, helplessness and awe. The main disadvantage of cosmic horror is that characters are deemphasized or rendered meaningless, and nothing can be resolved by the end because humanity is so helpless and feeble.
In psychological horror, learning more about the characters is the name of the game. The idea is to provide a harrowing emotional experience through the use of... well, people. In psych horror, you can actually have a world that is an actual garbage fire, or be completely uncreative, because that isn't what matters at all. Negative emotions of any kind are central to the genre, and to the stories in the genre. The main disadvantages of psychological horror are mostly how unusual and difficult it is to work with.
I'm not saying your music is a bad choice, and I'm not changing my stance, I'm just explaining that music that works best for an investigative cosmic horror game with survival horror elements is slightly less effective for a psychological horror/ survival horror game.
I like it, but I'm just saying that it would need some extra help to capture the identity of the game that we've established so far. I'm sure you could put Fur Elise to a FPS trailer and still capture the essence of the game, but it would need some extra help from the animators and such.
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Fur elise sounds a bit too gothic, and Pinebrook has a bit of a country charm to it, with some classical. I have to think about the music I want for Pinebrook but something along those lines
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How about any of these?
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I'll look over them tonight and decide for tomorrow
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Okie Dokie.
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Melancholia: I've heard it before, but it's still neat. The low grade unnervingness of the piece is enjoyable, but it doesn't have much beyond that, at least to me.
Mind: Honestly, I love it. It gives off that 2017 creepypasta vibe that fills me with low level nostalgia, and it feels... raw. Pained and depressed, and a little bit afraid. This just feels so... familiar in so many ways. It's like a liminal image in music form: disturbing and mildly confusing, but not very useful for anything beyond just observation or examination.
Witch Hunt: YES! Maybe it has something to do with listening to the Quake soundtrack over and over again, but horror-industrial is one of my favorite niche genres. With the grinding tones, rampant drops and build ups, it feels like it would fit a trailer so well. The animator/director would have a lot of room to try new ideas to present the core concepts of Pinebrook, although the "town" part of it could easily be lost if they aren't careful.
The Evil Ghost: Oh, wow. This one is even better. You can actually imagine a trailer set to this fairly easily. Or, at least, I can. I would intermittently cut between this, and then to soft country music of some description during the slower parts to fit Pinebrook better.
Everything Ends Here: I can't really see it in it's current state. If the build up was a bit faster at the start or if it had more calm parts, it would be great though.
Thanks for sharing this stuff with us. I personally would never have found most of these on my own.
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I had never listened to any of these songs before, and I found them because I did some searching because I wanted to help Dab find a theme or inspiration for Pinebrook's music.
Melancholia I thought was pretty eerie, but aside from that, a bit generic.
Mind was fantastic in my opinion. I really liked it. It has a very somber, sad, dreadful vibe. It sounds both familiar and distant at the same time.
I really liked both Which Hunt and The Evil Ghost. Just like you said, I also really like industrial horror, hell that's probably why I love The Final Movement (Karl Heisenberg's theme) from RE8 so much.
I actually liked Everything Ends Here. Reflecting on it, it might not be the best theme for Pinebrook, but I still found it enjoyable. As it's title suggests, it feels very climatic.
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Okay I made my decision. The Evil ghost, I like it a lot. I like the beginning, it was starting to trail off a bit for the horror I was looking for. Overall I gotta go with The Evil ghost
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Alright then.
Do you plan on asking the creator of the piece if you could use it? Or do you simply want to take inspiration from it?
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It would be best if I take inspiration from it. I have no experience with handling with licenses. Plus... I feel it wouldn't be right to use someone else's work to benefit my own. Now I definitely am inspired by their work but I would never directly take their works and put it into my game. I will be inspired by it, change some of the instruments and sound effects to give it that country charm, but also create a gut wrenching tension.
I also want to say to Beelzeboop, I appreciate you sharing the video before hand, it definitely was creepy as hell. I would've used it but I fear it would trigger an audience, and that's just the trailer. Now I will say though it would be definitely would be something that is in-game, what I plan to do is have moments where players do get a reaction out of it. But not to the point they want to stop playing.
When I do release a trailer I am not sure if I'll release another after it, I want to keep it a full mystery from what to expect in the game, and showing scenes of people dying and such, wouldn't increase the fear factor which isn't what I want from the trailer. Because once they play the game they are slightly desensitized by it now that you showed them that many trailers. So thank you, so much, I really do appreciate it Beelze I really do
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Yeah, I feel that composing your own music would probably be the wiser choice. It would feel much more personal and you'd have more creative freedom.
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The pictures are here. Sorry for the angles, my brother isn't a very good photographer.
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While I haven't played RE8, or even seen much footage of it for that matter (pretty much just Rowby and Otz playing it on Village of Shadows difficulty), I pretty much immediately fell in love with anything involving Heisenberg, especially the design of the level that leads up to him.
His whole vibe is amazing. He's like Bertrum Piedmont if he were more realistic and was designed with medical horror in mind.
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Yeah, I really adore RE8 and it's characters. I really wish all of the lords got more screen time. Especially Donna and Angie, as they were my second favorite lord behind Heisenberg and their section was the shortest.
Speaking of, I really liked Heisenberg's overall character as well, and his section of the game was the funnest to play in my opinion.
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This is so much closer to the original design, of how I imagined him. What's with the the other weird textual on the side, is that is grunts, or something. Either way its really is really cool, thank you. I also have to ask are the flaps connected, its fine if not. However he is wearing a full body straight jacket, and is have belt loops around the legs heres some reference.
I'm not saying what you drew was terrible, I love what you've done. If you could make the bottom half have loosened belts and have those flaps, then it'd be gold. I just want the flap to be there if it is already my apologies then forgive me.
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I actually like Bertram Piedmont, he was one of my favorite parts in BAtim,. Which I'm kinda surprised you played or watched gameplay footage. Batim had potential and hopes it does well in the second game. I liked Heisenberg, he was an interesting character, but he doesn't hold the candle of likeability that Papa Baker still holds.
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I've got this idea for a character but wanted to hear your opinions first. The idea of this character is a character who desires power, to feel above others, to belittle those below them, and doing this out of pure pleasure. Doing these actions for they never had a taste of that kind of power before and will go to violent means to feel that said power. it was an idea I found while researching Silent Hill, and was loosely inspired off of Eddie Dombrowski, but instead of killing those who made fun of them, they kill out of pure pleasure, and not to take vengeance. But it was an Idea I wrote loosely on paper let me know please and thank you
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Sounds a bit like Herman Carter, but more fleshed out as a character.
I honestly like it.
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The only difference is that they aren't a crazed doctor. I just indulged the idea of what happens when someone is hated, and bullied into becoming something that is close to that of a monster.
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@QwQw @glitchboi This really late in the ######### afternoon so bear this in mind I added another paragraph to Qw's edited page 2 to include Penny Hewitt and add her from the start. Essentially its the exact same as before just with another paragraph, enjoy.
Elliot fumbled about and struggled as he started to regain consciousness. His ears were ringing, they felt like they were going to burst. He shuffled around as he hung sideways from his seat. As his vision returned, Elliot strained his eyes to look around. He felt a moist, wet sensation dripping down the side of his face. He reached up to touch his forehead where he had slammed his head on the steering wheel. He retracted it and looked on to see warm blood dripping from his finger tips.
Elliot shifted about uncomfortably as he tried to un-buckle his seat belt, which was proving to be quite a challenge. Eventually after many failed attempts, Elliot reached into his right pocket and grabbed his lucky pocket knife he always carried with him. He unclipped it and sawed through his seat belt. He braced himself as fell a few feet onto his passenger side window, which was now the floor. Elliot shakily stood up, barely holding back the bile building in his throat. After a couple of minutes, he had finally regained his composure, and he looked around to examine his surroundings.
Suddenly a small metal container fell and bonked his head, he groaned in response. " Ow What the hell?" Elliot growled as he saw the container, he opened it to find a picture of a woman. She had brown hair, black eyes, and was petite in form. She wore a blue sundress as she smiled a warm, soothing smile. He knew her name as Penny Hewitt, a caring woman that he knew back at the church he used to attend. Elliot felt an ache in his heart, as he stared at the picture, he sighed and put it away from his view.
Elliot remembered that he kept a heavy duty flashlight in his glove box. He reached up and grabbed around until he felt the handle. After an initial struggle, he manged to yank open the box. Papers, dirty magazines, and the flashlight tumbled out and fell on Elliot. After digging through the pile of junk and porn, Elliot found his flashlight. Since the truck was flipped on it's side, both doors were inaccessible, leaving Elliot to have to crawl out through the broken windshield. Although he tried to sweep most of it out of the way, he still ended up getting some shards of glass stuck in his hand.
As Elliot picked the pieces of glass out of his hands, he looked around the empty building he was now standing in. As he shone beam of light throughout the room, he saw many abandoned mechanical parts and machines. Elliot came to the conclusion this must have once been a factory. He methodically walked around the brick building, searching for an exit. The eerie silence was abruptly interrupted by a shrill scream. Elliot paused, not daring to move a muscle. It was animal-like, but still nothing like Elliot had ever heard before. After some time passed, and no more screams echoed through the night, Elliot continued his search for the exit.
Eventually Elliot found a stream of moonlight breaking through a crack in a pair of rusty doors. With a swift kick he broke them open and stepped outside into the chilling night air. As he looked at his flipped over truck, he knew he would be fired. No one would be believe his story of bells, whispers, and a possessed truck. He let out a sigh and examined his new surroundings, and took notice of a decrepit green sign that read "Welcome to Pinebrook". "Yeah, thanks a ######### lot." Elliot sarcastically mumbled.
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Forgot to tag @Beelzeboop.
Anyway, yeah, this just makes more sense. Helps to set up Penny's character more.
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I actually have posted these two pages on my deviantart account
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You have a Deviantart account?
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Yes, mostly I just post my work there or read other literature and look at art.
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Huh. I've heard whispers in the dark of how weird things are on there, so I've avoided it like the plague.
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