Pinebrook Prologue
Comments
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Yeah I absolutely suck at pacing, and knowing when to cram info in stories. The problem is that I want to keep the prologue short, and good, all the more while setting up the story and themes of what is to come into Pinebrook, but... your right I need to work on it. Honestly I don't know if I can make this perfect, I will try but I don't want to make the a story each 90 ######### pages. Also this isn't the end of the prologue there's like three more pages, maybe four or five, to get to the damn point and make it perfect.
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Oh, sorry. I kinda thought that with the whole "protagonist dying" thing combined with the text at the end of the page that it seemed like it was over.
You never need to go for perfect. "Good enough" is really the goal. Improvements can be made from there if you want, but in the end striving for perfection is often counterproductive.
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Yeah I get it, I wasn't going to leave the story like that without an idea of what the hell happened, plus the prologue is also to set up what is to come into Pinebrook so , but you mentioned that my pacing was kinda off ngl, but I should probably have improved upon it . The only reason Penny exists was to humanize Elliot, from my standpoint he was an absolute jackass to begin with, and I wanted to show that this character really wasn't a bad person always. But now reading what you read, I might just cut her at this point. I feel like she was the reason there was so much info to begin with. I might not cut her entirely though, I can reuse her later but she would have no connections to Elliot.
However Elliot's story isn't over yet, I've actually showed y'all what was gonna happen to him in the end even before it happened. Anyway the story will continue after the events of the prologue . If you don't mind I might share small tiny excerpts of the short stories to come but I'm not sure yet. You know what's funny is that I've basically foreshadowed what is to come in the next three short stories, using very small details, that flew over people's' head.
However I have to ask is there anything you liked about todays pages? I'll admit I could probably work on making the town, I didn't want to go to in depth of it by mostly allowing you to imagine it, but maybe I could've added a bit more.
Post edited by Dabihwow on2 -
Alright, sorry for the late reply, yesterday was very stressful and busy for me.
When you said James was going to be the main character, I just thought that meant Elliot would join forces with him, not that Elliot would die. That caught me really off guard.
I gotta say though, that was one sad way to go out. I know Elliot did an awful thing to Penny, but I still can't help but feel a little bad for him as Furnace Head set him on fire.
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I understand but yeah, sorry about that, I planned Elliots' death from the very beginning . But from his death will then therefore begin how the events of where Pinebrook takes place. Penny although I'm not sure if I'll cut her, the only reason she exists is to humanize ELliot, but I felt I crammed way to much info in this page for it to be likeable. I haven't set her up from the beginning, she was a quick idea I came up with and I probably should've established her from the beginning
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Yeah I agree that she kind of came out of nowhere, overall though I think she'd be a good addition to the story.
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I just need to find a way to incorporate her
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Hey, I'm back. I kinda... passed out after my last post, and ironically only got like three hours of sleep. So if this post reads like my brain is melting, that's because it is.
I don't think adding Penny was a bad idea, but to include her you would need to rewrite the entire prologue so that she doesn't abruptly come out of literal nowhere. If you're up for it, I think she should be included in the final piece.
You know, it would be really cool if you split Pinebrook into multiple short stories instead of one or two long ones. This suggestion may exclusively be the result of stress, exhaustion, and reading too much The King in Yellow. Either way, I would love to read Pinebrook short stories.
One thing I liked in the pages you posted was how well you pulled off the scene where Elliot was sneaking behind Furnace Head. You got the pacing and tone pretty good there, and, as usual, it had an excellent concept that a lot of writers would struggle to set up properly.
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That's something I didn't consider, making Pinebrook an anthology series.
I think that could be a very cool idea.
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I considered it being an anthology series, but I'm not sure. I have more experience in the 'video gaming industry', and honestly I'm not sure if RE follows the term anthology. I don't want it to be however just about a new singular character every time, it would be like a switch between a few characters every now and then. I have to give this thought, making Pinebrook into an anthology series would require a lot more work on developing the characters that is different each time. I will consider it, I do plan to rewrite it to help make sense of it, but now I'm gonna finish all the stories before considering rewriting them
Its not that an anthology series is a bad idea its jsut a lot of stress
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Well if you thought the last page was the end of the prologue, well guess what... It isn't however it is almost done. Now I want thank you guys for pushing me to finish the prologue. Anyway here is the next page @QwQw , @Beelzeboop , @glitchboi, without futher ado here it is
Somewhere else in Pinebrook, an alarm that sat on a nightstand began to ring through out the dark room. The individual that laid in the bed let out a sleepy groan. They covered their head with another pillow, but it did little to blare out the loud alarm. The now annoyed person sat up and placed his hand on the alarm, it still continued ring. At this point, he had enough and slammed his fist on the alarm, it finally stopped ringing. The person let out a long sigh as he began to rub his sleepy eyes. His name, was Daniel Linderton. " Good mourning Daniel, time to get your ass up and movin'." He muttered, his voice had a slight southern drawl that he learned from his grandfather.
As he began to stand up he looked at his LED clock, it read six o'clock, enough time, for Daniel to get ready for work. I better call Samuel, make sure he did my job at the museum. Daniel noted as he walked for the light switch in the room. He carefully tried to maneuver his way to the light, but almost tripped on the stuff on his floor, . Daniel managed to get to the switch, and flipped it , however the light blinded him as he covered his eyes. " Oh ######### ,bad idea!" Daniel cried. After what felt like a while, his eyes adjusted to the light he was able to open them again to his room.
His room was slightly messy, with some clothes on the floor that need to be taken to the washer, and there was one stain on a carpet. Given that the house old it is close to being fully renovated, the room wasn't terrible, it had a baseball poster of the Indians. But the greatest thing in that room, was a Louisville slugger, that was around a yard long. This bat that Daniel named 'Sluggy', was a recently acquired bat for Daniel to use later on in the league. It was made of ash , and had a leather grip. But James stared down at his desk and reached for his phone, scooting his chair out of the way. He picked it up and dialed and waited.
" Come on Samuel, pick up the phone." Daniel whispered impatiently. But the call didn't come back. " I'm sorry, but the person your trying to call is unavailable, at the tone please leave a message, when you are finished please end the call." the receiver stated. A beep came and Daniel took a deep breath. " Hey Samuel, its me Daniel, I hope you did the cleaning last night, and when you have a moment call me back alright, bye." Daniel ended the voicemail and sighed.
Daniel set the phone down and left for the shower down the hall. He carefully paced down the wooden hallway, and into the shower. He closed the door behind him, stripped, and washed his body. It was quite a while before he turned off the shower head, and began to make his way back to his room with a towel. He checked the clock again and it read six seventeen . " I got time, before work." Daniel noted. He began dry off, and toward his dresser and pulled out a pair of dark jeans, a t shirt, and boxers. " You almost done there boy?" A gravelly voice came from outside the door.
"Yeah gimme a sec." Daniel responded as he pulled up his pants, and put on his shirt. He tightened his pants down, grabbed a pair of socks and exited his room to be greeted by his grandfather, Caleb Linderton. The man was old, but built like a damn tank, this man had large muscles, and could probably lift a whole fridge by himself. Daniel grew to respect him, even at a young age to now. " Alright son, I need you to go check on the chickens, and ol' Betsie while at it, also stand up straight boy, don't slouch." Caleb commanded, Daniel nodded as he began to walk down the hall. " I'll make breakfast for you, how does bacon and pancakes sound?" " Oh you don't need to ask that to get an answer." Daniel chuckled
Post edited by Dabihwow on3 -
Ah, James has finally been introduced, I like him so far.
I'm interested to see why Pinebrook seems normal at the moment, maybe things will change after James does a little exploring.
Side Note: Caleb is giving me slight Jack Baker vibes.
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Thx, I mostly am basing James personality off of myself, and Caleb is in fact similar to Jack Baker now that think about it, but not as pychotic
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Yeah, I more so though of Caleb as having slight uninfected Jack vibes. A strict but loving parent.
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Sorry I had to go do something, yeah I mean, Caleb is technically a military veteran so that's why he has that strick demeanor
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I'm here. Sorry for not responding right away.
Now it's time for the unending criticism that you must endure for the heinous crime of making something I'm willing to spend my time to contribute to.
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Wow, I actually don't really have anything to say against this...
Wait, I've got one. There were a couple lines of dialogue that should've had a period instead of a comma. Also, you shouldn't put a space between the opening quotation mark and the first letter. I thought it was just a recurring typo, but given the quality of this page it seems deliberate.
Also, if we don't see Sluggy become very briefly implanted via surprise invasive surgery as an impromptu prosthetic brain, I will be sorely disappointed.
I like Caleb. There are so many things you could do with him as a character, both immensely horrific and endearingly wholesome.
We haven't seen much of James, but I like him so far. But I swear to God he better have anger issues, or so help me-
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Good evening! I'm not sure how I missed the mention of this, but I'm glad to have been 1/3 of the people to have been mentioned! I'll start reading it!
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Interesting, so it's shifting at the last few parts of the prologue. I like where it's going! Excited to see these new characters' development.
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Thx, yeah Sluggy is actually James favorite weapon of choice, a baseball bat. I wanted it to reflect his personality and his interests, plus when I was thinking about making Pinebrook a game I felt that having to many guns blazing is a bit overused. So I wanted a melee weapon that forced the players to get up in front of the monster they're facing, it was a lot scarier given the fact of having to get close to a monster like Furnace Head, or some of the others just to fight them.
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You could make the game a Souls-like, too, so the player absolutely needs to know their weapon and the enemy they're fighting at any given moment. That way. they'll be more engaged with the combat system than with more standard survival horror games.
Remnant: From the Ashes is a good example of a Souls-like with firearms, in case you were wondering how that could work.
Just a thought.
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You mean dark souls? Oh boy I don't want to ensue that much rage into my players, but it could work, I don't have a lot of experience. I want to make some situations where you can fight your way or be stealthy to pass your obstacles. I do want there to be crafting making it for the players to be mindful of what they can and can't do in some situations. Now firearms are in the game, but... the ammo is extremely limited; for example the ammo for a rifle has only thirty rounds total and that's not including going around finding the bullets.
As for crafting James has some knowledge for crafting materials like a baby powder bomb, medicine, but not bullets. Playstyle of the bat was very similar to Joe bakers ( If you ever played RE 7 dlc End of Zoe), where James can perform combo that he learns later on.
This was something I wrote down on paper while making it I'm not
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I got the idea for a QaA for Pinebrook I might do it seperate post. Although I'm not sure if there will be any questions I'm up for it if anyone is interested
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You'd better tag me if you do, because
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@Beelzeboop, @QwQw ,@glitchboi Here is the next 1 or 2 pages of when we spend time with James, I might have to look it over but it took a while to make sorry for the wait. Now onto the page
He began making his way out into the living room making his way past the the couch and tv, and over to a shelf that had his outside boots. James picked them up and slipped his feet inside. He tied them into a tight knot and exited out through the front door. James walked out onto the porch and breathed in fresh morning air, as the sun was rising. He walked off the porch and onto the concrete, which he then made his way to the chicken coop. James already heard the chickens flapping furiously and clucking like a bunch mad dogs. "Well into the belly of the beast I go." James sighed
He stopped at the coop, and let out a sigh as he entered and was greeted by a mad flapping of birds. Feathers bird ######### and weat laid on the floor. The chickens in question were excited to see James, however he was not excited to see them. James went to pick up an egg container and began to pace toward the chickens' cubbies, he picked up at least eight eggs, and received two or more bite marks. After words, James exited the coop irritated from all the clucking, and went to the front porch to drop off the eggs. "God damn chickens." James growled.
He then walked to the small barn on the right of the two story house, and entered inside. "Betsie you here girl?" James called out, he heard a loud moo. " There you are honey." James, as he walked over to the old cow. She has been a part of James life since childhood, saldy though she was dying, James knew that. A pain came to him, Betsie has been apart of his life since growing up on the farm. Its like saying goodbye, suddenly Betsie mooed again bringing James back to reality, he blinked, and looked over at the cow. "Sorry about that honey I'll feed ya here shortly."
James walked over to a closet, and grabbed a bag of cow feed. He lifted it over his shoulders, and made his way to Betsie's food bowl. James opened the bag then poured it into the bowl until it was full. He checked her water bowl and thankfully for him it was still rather clean. "Alright, I'll see ya later Betsie." James spoke softly as he made his way out of the barn and back to the front porch, he picked up the eggs and walked inside. "I'm back." He called out as the smell of bacon, pancakes, and coffee filled his nostrils
James quickly took off his boots, and marched into the kitchen where a plate of two pancakes, two bacon slices and a cup of coffee waited for him. "Thanks grandpa." James thanked Caleb as he took the plate, and the coffee then sat down at the dinner table. James stared at the tv watching the news talking about the weather forecast, he cut up his pancake and took a bite out of one of them. "Was Betsie alright?" Caleb questioned as he came to sit down next to James. James shook his head solemnly, which made Caleb sigh. "I don't know if there is much we can do for her now, poor girl, I know how much you love her but we gotta put her down, your daddy wou-." "I know pa, I don't want to talk about it though, alright, just, not now." James interrupted him
Suddenly he felt a chill in the air and lifted his head up to face Caleb, and his expression didn't show a hint of a smile. "I'm sorry I-." "I know, I get it boy, you don't want to think of, them, right?" Caleb questioned, James nodded his head sadly as he continued to eat the rest of his breakfast."I understand I apologize, but don't talk to me like that again, got it boy?" Caleb demanded. "Yes". "Yes what?", James sighed. " Yes,sir ". James groaned as apologetically as he could. "That's more like it." Caleb voiced. James rolled his eyes and stared at the Tv, and watched as the meteorologist talk about the weather.
"Well it looks like its gonna rain in the next few days." James announced. "Yeah, I'll have to check in and make sure it can work ." Caleb commented. "Thanks John up next we have a missing reports case that has been shared to us this morning." The newswoman said on the TV. James stared at the screen as he took his coffee, drank the burning hot liquid, he tasted the cream and sweetener. "We have reports of a man named Elliot Ford who went to deliver concessions and others at a local gas station in the town of Pinebrook, South of Indianapolis has gone missing last night." It was at this moment Caleb looked and stared at the tv screen with concern. "He was last seen ordering a meatball sub from a local restaurant, and was last heard by a phone call with his CEO, Otto Franklin."
James glared at the screen, it wasn't the first time he heard a missing persons report. However, it was the first time he heard it here in Pinebrook, of all places. "I... I'll get ready, I'm finished thank you." James said as he took his plate and walked over to the sink and washed it off. He then walked back to his room, hearing the news lady talk more about this, Elliot Ford. James entered in and picked up his phone, he turned it on to see he missed a phone call. He checked the time and it read six thirty. "Oh #########, I gotta get going. then." James commented, as he quickly began gathering his uniform.
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Ohhh, I like this one!
Maybe it's just me, but your grammar is also improving.
I have to question how all the ######### with Furnace Head went down and yet the town seems completely normal, but I guess we'll figure that out in time.
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You know thats a question, not even I can fully answer.
Also thx, I am beginning to keep track of what I'm writing and how I'm writing
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This one was pretty good! Also poor Betsie.
James is the main protagonist, correct?
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Yes
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Sorry for responding so late. I've been really busy for the past couple days. You know how it is.
But I'm here now, and that's what matters.
Well, actually, what matters is that you posted a new Pinebrook page or two, but I'll let that slide for now.
This is really good. I can see a couple mistakes, but nothing that a minimal amount of editing couldn't clean up. You've really improved a lot since you started writing this, and I'm pretty proud of you to be honest.
Gotta say, I really expected the town to be abandoned like Silent Hills. But I actually like this better. It adds an additional level of uncanniness to Pinebrook, which I really love.
Something I feel like I need to address... the protagonist's visual description sounds a bit too close to another James we know... with the whole sunken eyes, coat, jeans, dirty blonde hair. While the similarities aren't too extreme, you need to be really careful when making a work that's heavily inspired by another one.
People are very, very overeager to call something a rip-off if there's even a slight similarity. I've seen Gemini Home Entertainment be called a Local 58 rip-off, to give you an idea.
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Oh my god how in the hell did I forget about him... #########, I didn't mean to literally make the character sound literally close to James Sunderland, damn it ok I'm gonna have to think of a new name for the character or at least make up something else, the name James literally popped in my mind when I was creating the character.
Maybe something like Jack Linderton, Henry Linderton, Nick Linderton, Oh boy I gotta get to editing
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I agree, the town actually seeming completely normal adds a level of uncanniness that makes you think "Somethin' ain't right."
Almost reminds me of the end of Daughters when after all the horrific ######### that just went down the prior night, the Bakers sit down and eat breakfast like nothing even happened. That sense of uncomfortableness I feel is big part of horror that lot of modern work seems to be lacking.
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Okay important discussion: Since yesturday I found out that the name James Linderton was extremely close to James Sunderland, I've decided to rename him.
However I want you guys to decide, tell me which one sounds better
Jack Linderton, Nick Linderton, Henry Linderton, or Jedidiah Linderton
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Hmmm, I'm gonna have to go with Jack Linderton. Even before I played RE7, I always liked the name Jack.
Also Scott. For some reason I always liked that name too.
@Beelzeboop @glitchboi I'll tag the boys for you.
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I always liked it but both the name Jack and Scott are family member names I have come up with one being my grandfather, the other, being my dad
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So then does that mean you don't want to use the name Jack or Scott?
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I probably won't however I have some other names like Ben Linderton, Rick Linderton, I was gonna go for Jedidiah Linderton but now I'm not sure
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Well let me ask you this; how "exotic" do you want the name to be?
Like, do want something a bit more generic such as Josh, Bob, Ben, Alex, or would you want a more uncommon name? Like how I named my character in the chapter I made "Graydon"?
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Not too exotic, but I might not want to go with something as generic as alex, but looking through a list of names how does the name Jacob Linderton sound Iike it or Daniel Linderton either I'm fine with
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I like the name Daniel.
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I like it too so far it seems like I'll choose Daniel Linderton as the new name but I'll wait for the others
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Yeah, I'd wait for the others to give their input before you choose a name.
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Hello!
I like the name Daniel as well, seems pretty cool. It's also unique. Although Henry is pretty good.
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Okay a large majority vote for Daniel lets see what Beezleboop says
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Hubert Linderton.
But Daniel works too.
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Alright its been decided James Linderton, will now be renamed Daniel Linderton
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Beelzeboop mentioned that your James has a similar appearance to James Sunderland. Are you gonna change his look at all, or do you thing it shouldn't be a problem now that you've changed his name to Daniel?
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Well thing is, I'm trying to limit the similarities between the two characters. And Daniel had a very similar appearance to James Sunderland, except Daniel has a rounder face than James Sunderland does. Plus his hair is like a brownish blonde, Daniel also has blue eyes that are greyish. But in terms of personality Daniel tends to be someone very close to how Joe Baker is, with a bit more sense of patience and understanding. Physically Daniel isn't the most athletic and does have some 'weight' on him but very little.
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Oh alright then.
Yeah, I'd say now that you've changed his name and altered his appearance a little, there's a big enough difference between the two characters.
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This is the final page, for Pinebrooks prologue, it has been one helluva journey writing this from the start we met Elliot, a man with sins he couldn't fully confront. Now to the newly named Daniel Linderton ( James Linderton ). I want to thank everyone who has enjoyed my works as an author it brings me pride and joy knowing that my work has inspired and introduced you to this dark world. I might show small excerpts to give hints what is to come but I let y'all decide. Thanks for being apart of making Pinebrook and let us see how the beginning ends.
Daniel grabbed the shirt from his closet, and changed out of his t shirt for the formal looking one. Daniel also picked up his phone, and pocket knife. " Alright time to go" He mumbled, as he marched out of his room, he saw that the Tv was turned off and Caleb was tying his shoes. " Here you are boy." Caleb said as he handed Daniel his boots. " Thanks Pa." Daniel responded, as he quickly got his boots on. After they were nice and tight, he got up and went for the coat hanger to grab his brown, leather jacket. It had wool, and fluff around the collar of the neck which Daniel thought was a nice touch.
He exited the front door along with Caleb. He began walking down the steps of the patio and to his grandpa's red truck. Caleb locked the front door, as Daniel hopped in the truck. As he buckled down, Daniel began wondering about the missing individual that was last seen in Pinebrook. Why is someone missing in a small city like Pinebrook, we aren't that big like Indianapolis, maybe Bloomington, but still just how? He wondered. Daniel heard Caleb climb in and turned his to face him. He buckled down and inserted the keys. The truck roared to life, Caleb began putting the truck in reverse.
He reversed the truck into a small rectangle section of his rocky road. The sound of the tires driving over them, was like popcorn popping in a microwave. Caleb then shifted gears and had the truck drive forward on the rocky road and stopped at a gate that blocked off people from the property. Caleb hopped out and went to the console near the gate, Daniel just waited until the thing opened. Once Caleb entered the code the gate opened, and he made his way inside the truck. They drove off the property, then onto paved road, and to the right as they passed up and down the hills around the trees.
Even though Daniel has lived in Pinebrook for all his life he was still mesmerized by its beauty. With the trees were like gateways to some place that was from some fantasy. But now, something felt different, almost out of place, the trees now didn't emit the same beauty as before. Daniel still couldn't shake off the fact that someone went missing, he turned away from the window and looked forward. " Hey grandpa." " Yeah?" Caleb responded. " Is it me does it all feel different, I still can't shake off that someone went missing here." " Well it happens, I... I believe people will find the cityboy, either way and people will carry on." Caleb answered
Daniel squinted and looked at Caleb when he answered. Daniel knew his grandfather for being caring about others, even strangers of all people, its all part of Hoosier Hospitality. But now, Daniel didn't detect a sign of that caring side of Caleb. " Grandpa you okay, you just se-." " I'm fine boy, don't worry about me now, worry about yourself, let's not talk about the missing person, understand?" Caleb questioned. Daniel sat wide eyed, and nodded. If there is one thing Daniel knew is that when his grandpa spoke in such a tone, he will shut his mouth only to him.
They began to reach the small buildings near Pinebrook, and soon they began to see the whole view. The buildings though old looked magnificent with the brick decal placed on it, yet still it felt, off. " Alright here we are, I'll drop you off right next ." Caleb spoke. " Alright, but remember to pick me up at three o clock, don't forget ." Daniel reminded Caleb. " Dammit boy, that one time, one time." Caleb remarked. " I just wanna make sure my grandpa still got it." Daniel chuckled. " Boy I can still kick yo ass and you know it. " Caleb answered, Daniel still chuckled.
They came into a parking space as Daniel hopped out of the truck and waved goodbye to his grandpa. As Caleb drove off, Daniel then began to make his way to the museum. "Daniel." A feminine voice whispered directly at his ear. He spun around to see no one, Daniel also received some weird looks, as he smiled and waved. Calm down, its just you Daniel lets not make it weird. He assured himself. Daniel sighed and began to hum a tune the people knew in this town, as he began to walk in the streets, of Pinebrook.
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@Beelzeboop @glitchboi you forgot to tag the boy's.
Anyways, man it's been a hell of a ride. Pinebrook has been such a cool series, I'm gonna be sad to see it go for now. I can't wait for the full thing to release!
Now, about this page, as usual I really like it! I fine it very eerie how Pinebrook is almost normal, but not quite as stated by Daniel. Caleb also seems off, meaner than he usually is. I wonder what's gonna happen to him.
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