Pinebrook Prologue
Comments
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Oh crap I forgot to do that, sorry you two. thanks QwQw its really been a long time three or four months of work and there is still a lot more, now that I'm done I can focus on the second story. Once that is done Pinebrook by then would be technically done, but thanks to your feedback and suggestions I now will commit time into adding quality of life changes to the stories
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Ayo thanks for tagging me. And no worries man.
The prologue's over, I wish you luck on the rest of the novel!
Also, poor Daniel.
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It's cool man.
If you had to guess, when do you think you'll actually be able to publish Pinebrook?
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If I had to really work my ass off on Pinebrook, maybe later this year. However I need to edit or have someone edit some stuff to make light of the stories. In Elliots case you could see it wasn't the best, plus I need to completely rewrite the third story, write the second story, then the epilogue, find a publisher, and a way to advertise the book. So I have a lot on my hands. plus I need to find a way to balance it with school, and dbd.
I was thinking about making into a game but I need to finish the book first before that.
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Yeah I understand. It would be insane to ask you to publish it this year.
Whenever it does come out though, I'll be first in line to buy it! A Pinebrook video game would be sick, but I imagine it'd be extremely hard to make.
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Thank you for your patience you can follow me on twitter or not its up to you. I don't usually post any tweets, but onto the subject. I would love to make it into a video game but no way in hell will I make it by myself, I have decent knowledge of coding and programming in Javascript I can do basic stuff but nothing to advance than that.
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I know Jack-######### about coding, so I probably wouldn't be much help.
Here's hoping that when Pinebrook succeeds you can use the money to hire some professionals to help you make the game.
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Or I could get lucky which I hope I do.
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Don't worry, you didn't need to tag me. I've had this thread bookmarked since page three.
Some issues I've noticed:
You said "buckle down" instead of "buckle up," which is the more common way to phrase it. However, it might just be a regional difference I haven't heard of. If so, then that's fine.
Characters tend to put in commas when they're speaking as opposed to periods, turning what would have been natural sounding dialogue into awkward run-on sentences.
When dialogue is cut off (meaning ending with a hyphen), you don't put in a period at the end. Question marks and exclamation points are good, though. For example:
"Smile, you son of a- !"
If the sentence ends after the dialogue it contains, you shouldn't put a period at the end of the sentence, following the above mentioned rule. For example:
" I don't know, it's like this: thousands of years ago this spaceship crashes, and this thing, whatever it is, jumps out or crawls out and gets entombed in the ice," MacReady sighed.
Otherwise, the whole thing is great, as usual.
I'm kinda disappointed that we're not gonna get much more Pinebrook until the books come out, but it's probably for the best.
Remember to save one of the first prints of the book for me. I don't care how much it costs as long as I can get my hands on it.
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Its something I need to work on but I'll see if I can get it to you
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@glitchboi oi, @QwQw , @Beelzeboop
S barely retained conscience as he began to open his eyes. his head and body still ached; S eyes made out a dim light in a dark dank room. His eyes widened as he felt his arms and legs were strapped together. He felt a strange ache around his jaw, as two sharp points were poking around his back cheeks. " Oh good our guest of honor!" A scraggly high voice vocalized. The individual turn around frantically looking for the voice, he then made out movement in the dark. Then from out of the shadow a figure came into view, the man stopped before his victim.
The man barely showed his face and made sure his top hat covered his eyes. But what from he could tell, the man was wearing a tail coat that had a crimson hint of color. Down the chest in a line formation colorful cotton balls that reached down the waist. " Wha, who-," "I know helluva surprise right, well its my specialty!" The high pitch voice squeaked. S stopped and tried to struggle out of the chair he was sitting in. " Look at you wiggle worm here let me help you." The man assisted as he pulled a odd looking object out of his pocket and pulled S to the floor; bonking his head in the process. " Ow, hey let me go who the ######### are you!" S screamed.
The man stopped and grabbed S's face still not showing his eyes. " Watch your mouth you ######### brat!" The man growled. The man stopped and tilted his head up, and S saw his eyes. Those eyes, they weren't human, they irises of the eyes, were a pale glowing white. The eyes seemed to illuminate the rest of the eyes and S saw a very heavy red color in the eyes around the irises. " Don't worry, I'm here to celebrate with you, come now, lets have FUN!" The man cackled as he dragged S down the dark hallway
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Now just what in the hell is this? A teaser maybe? Either way, I'm very interested.
I guess until we get more info, all we can do is speculate on who these two characters are, but I assume that "S" isn't Daniel? Or maybe it is, and you're trying to throw us off?
Hmmmm.
Oh, and by the way, congratulations on 3,000 posts, Dabihwow!
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Thanks
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Let me just whip out my pencils and crayons real quick here...
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Interesting. I wonder who S is? Eh, he's probably dead anyways.
Wait, is this page related to Pinebrook, or is it a teaser for something else?
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Its related to Pinebrook yes
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So I was writing a bit of a rough draft that sole purpose was to explain the atmosphere and to add detail to the streets of the town in the dark realm of Pinebrook. So here it is
The street lights illuminated a tan yellow, like it did much. The buildings appeared crumbling as some had long streaks of rust, and blood running down the sides. The powers lines were a sight to see, as blood dripping intestines, organs, and human appendages wrapped around the cords. They sizzled at on the lines emitting a stomach clenching aroma. The paved road now was filled with cracks, it even had graffiti that was painted in dry crimson colors. There were bodies of different creatures hanging off buildings and some across electric lines. Their bodies were covered in barbed wires, but looking closer the barbed wire were spewing out of them, carving their rotten skins.
The sky was a grey and the moon couldn't shine through the clouds. The trees that gave the town its name appeared withered and spewed a moldy black looking liquid that was as thick as puddy. The smell was that of sweat, rusted iron, and blood as it stung his nostrils. The wind howled and sang in the night sky, it was a song that not many would understand. The streets were as quiet as dead man's coffin. It was something, to see no one insight.
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This sounds horrifying.
The details are all very nice, and it really sets the mood. Since this is a smaller passage, and I don't have much homework (for once), I think I'll try editing it.
The street lights glowed a dim a tan yellow, illuminating the piercing night. The many tall buildings that crowded the town of Pinebrook appeared to wither and crumble, as the steel on them began to rust. Blood dripped from the rooftops like melting popsicles. The power lines were a ghastly sight, intestines, organs, and human appendages were wrapped and tangled around the cords. They sizzled and smoked like meat on a grill, and a sickening, stomach clenching aroma wafted from the sky. The paved road was littered with cracks, graffiti that was painted in crimson stretched across the entire street, repeating nothing but the same few words over and over. Bodies of different, wicked, creatures hung off buildings and piled up in the street. Their corpses were covered in barbed wire, but if one took a closer look, they could see that the wires were twisting out of them, carving their rotten skin like jack-o-lanterns.
The sky was a dark grey, and the moon's light couldn't shine through the clouds that covered the sky. The trees that gave the town its name appeared dead, and they spewed an oily, moldy, black liquid that was as thick as puddy. The smell that permeated through the town was that of sweat, rusted iron, and blood, and it stung his nostrils of any who inhaled it. The wind howled and sang in the night sky, it was an eerie song of sorrow not many would ever hear nor understand. The streets were as quiet as dead man's coffin, being utterly alone, was truly a cold and unforgiving sight.
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Sometimes I wonder if I should let you write the stories, the attention to detail is beautifully well done
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Thank you for the praise, but I don't think I'd ever make for a good author. Although I enjoy telling stories, I feel like my style of writing gets very old very fast.
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Oh give yourself a break you did well mate
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Thank you.
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Sorry I'm late. I've been looking into getting Identity V lately, and it's weirdly difficult to decide if it's worth my time and RAM. So far it seems like it is.
Wow, this is good. Maybe listening to The Caretaker's It's Just a Burning Memory helped a bit.
One issue I see is how you're using the two main design elements of Silent Hills (rusty metal and barbed wire), which is okay, but shouldn't be readily apparent. I would suggest making slightly more... I'm trying to come up with a nice way to say this... original motif.
Maybe bring in the meat hooks and chains from the hotel. A factory farm and/or meat processing plant motif could be interesting.
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Yeah, I admit I was a little worried about the "rusty metal/barbed wire" theme going on too. A factory/farm setting could definitely work.
Also, @Dabihwow, what would you think about me making my own Pinebrook character? I'm not trying to insinuate that you would have to add them to the story or anything, but I think it'd be cool if I gave making a character for the series a shot.
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hm that's fair, how about, rope, for example, their appendages are cut off and the only thing that's holding together is a knot the has been tied inside the organs. Then for the rope is coming out of where their arms, legs should be and is piercing the sliced-off arm, and attaching itself onto the buildings. IT also goes through the eyeballs, anus, sliced-off legs, groin anywhere basically. Sorry, it's taking a while to explain this, its kinda difficult ngl, but if I could Illustrate it, I have no doubt it would be super damn cool. I might choose rusted chains instead but I'll let you give me your opinion. As for the rusted metal, I was talking about something like this
plus I don't mind if I illustrate that some of the buildings look like that. Maybe have metal tiles that you would commonly see on barns attached to the buildings would be a neat touch, showing off some Indiana barn styles. Maybe 19th century like buildings, reminiscent of the I have to think more on this. Also maybe I didn't want to overuse the meat hooks because uh well... there is gonna be used quite a bit in the second book, in which will kinda take place in a meat factory/farm/plant
Maybe however I will be skeptical. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but, I'm not sure, however, I am rewriting book 3 to add more dexterity to the characters and youths of Pinebrook. plus I would like to see what you have in mind, so feel free, I might not make them super important but we'll see, so go ahead feel free to share.
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Yeah, It's completely understandable if you won't want to add them to the story.
Well anyway, I'll get to work and see what I can make!
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Alright @Dabihwow, here's my spin on a Pinebrook character. Sorry it took a little while, a disease I have flared up and knocked me out of the loop for a little while.
The woman stumbled as she ran. She had been chased by one of the many monsters that now called Pinebrook home. Stopping to catch her breath, she examined her surroundings. She was in a forest on the outskirts of town. The woman fell to her feet beneath one of the trees. The forest had an eerie, but relaxing atmosphere. She closed her eyes and let out a sigh of relief, before she heard the crack of a branch echo our from nearby.
In a flash, the woman opened her eyes and staggered to her feet. Staring through the dense fog, she made out the silhouette of a figure. The woman slowly took a step back, terror filling her heart and pulsing through her veins at the though of what would come forth from the fog.
What emerged from the fog was a strange sight. A man, clad in a dark purple old fashioned tail-coat with faded yellow accents stepped forth. The woman couldn't make out his face, as it was being concealed by a back plague doctor mask.
"Ah, hello there, my fine madam! You managed to outrun the furnace-headed fool? Truly impressive!" The strange man shouted with gusto.
"Who the hell are you?" W-what do you want?" The woman stammered out.
"Who am I? Why, that isn't important. Who YOU are on the other hand, is. There aren't many left out there, you know? If you're one of the small fraction left alive, then you must be pretty tough. Or just a fast runner, I suppose." The man spoke while slowly taking a step forward.
"The #########...?" Wha-What do you want with me?"
"Oh, nothing much, but I'm afraid you'll have to come along with me, for the meantime." The man said, still continuing his approach.
"H-hey, don't come any closer." The woman said while backing up.
"Now now, do not be alarmed, I am unarmed. Please, do not make this more difficult than it has to be." The man said in a soft tone as he raised his hands.
"Answer my goddamn question, what do you want with me!?"
"M-madam, please, do not run!" The man shouted out after the woman who had began to run away.
Suddenly, the woman felt a pain shoot up through the back of her leg. As she fell on the cold dirt, she looked back to see a scalpel was plunged deep into her calf.
"Quite the good throw, am I?" I didn't want it to be like this."
"Wha-what the #########!?" I though you said you were u-unarmed!?" The woman cried out as she moaned in pain.
"Alas, that was a lie, but a necessary one." Now please, hold still." The man said calmly as he took out a handkerchief and bottle of liquid.
"What-what are you doing!? Let me g-" The woman was cut off as the handkerchief was placed over her mouth.
"Sh, sh, sh, sh, madam. I mean you no harm, but I cannot let you get away. I need you." Was all the woman could make out as her vision went black.
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Wow, I like it. Actually, I created a character very similar to this. The character in question was a symbolism of male dominance, in short, the character was a sick groom, wanting to have the perfect obedient wife, and by perfect I don't just mean personality. And if they fail to live up to his expectations, well lets say killing them would be putting it lightly. His interactions with men end a lot more pain as he tends to torture them, making sure that only he is the 'alpha' of the others. Its a concept I might continue but I like what you did
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Actually, for clarification, Dr. Green isn't supposed to represent anything; he's human, and was not created by the town of Pinebrook. In fact, his victim was originally going to be male, but I though it'd be too confusing as Dr. Green is also referred as "the man" in this segment.
I'm still working out the kinks, but as of right now, Dr. Green is shaping up to be more of an anti-hero than a villain. I also though to spice things up, it'd be interesting among all the twisted monsters of Pinebrook, there'd be a human antagonist.
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Thats not bad at all, I like the uniqueness, if I was to make a human antagonist they would only be recently enter the dark world. However they would've been driven crazy from the horror they experienced in Pinebrook and become violent, think in Dead rising with the pychopaths
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Dr. Green has certainly been affected by Pinebrook, but the reason he experiments on people is because he's trying to find a way to leave. The irony in his character comes from the fact that he thinks he's doing good, but it actuality isn't much better than the monsters he hates.
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Thats really interesting for a character. Although the only reason he is there is well because he did something very terrible in life, or is struggling mentally. See people aren't just randomly dragged into Pinebrook dark realm, they are brought there to live a crooked hell. I can't tell you how to escape but it will be revealed in the book.
Also I noticed that Dr.Green mentioned the Furnace headed fool. Which I'll say is rather bold of him, the monsters of Pinebrook know Furnace Head however, who he was, and all. But they never talk about him, mention him, or joke about him. They are ######### terrified of him . In fact he... nevermind I'm not gonna tell you, to much of a spoiler.
Overall well done,
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Ah, so that's how people end up in Pinebrook. I'll ask this though, can whatever force that control's Pinebrook take people from other time periods? If it can, I'll probably make it so Dr. Green was taken during the 1940-60's in Britain.
Also yes, Dr. Green does in fact mock Furnace Head. His drive to escape Pinebrook is so great, that he has come to absolutely despise Furnace Head because it keeps killing the people he wants to experiment on.
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I really can't say, but as the years go on yes it does. so people here are from the 60s 40s, different time periods. that's all I can say as for Dr. Green he's really well done, good job mate
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So would you be interested in adding him to the actual story? Again, it's completely fine if you don't want to.
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All I can say is maybe, but right now In the book, I can't add him. I already have the main villains down for the book, but maybe in a future Pinebrook project. I might not make him exactly as your depiction but something rather close. I love the work and time put into this, and I don't want to claim it as my own, it's yours. I have to think about it, but just know, it's a maybe
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Okay, that's completely fine.
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You did amazing work, you should be absolutely proud of this. Its just I had the plots and the characters down, and I had been working on it for over a year now. So changing it would cause me to try and rewrite a large portion of Pinebrook and make a new story for it. This isn't your fault, you, came up with something truly unique, it just I'm so far into the development of the story for me to create this character now. Again you did amazing work, and you truly should be proud of what you've done
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Yeah yeah, I get it. I wasn't expecting you to add Dr. Green to the story, as I know Pinebrook has already been in development for awhile now. I just thought it'd be fun to come up with my own Pinebrook character.
Thank you so much for the praise, though!
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You do deserve the title for being the first to make a fan character though, so good job
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Well, I'm writing a fanfic right now, actually, so I'm gonna come in second. And no, not that kind of fanfic.
Also, just because I started it doesn't mean I'll finish it, if that hasn't been made clear from the piles of half-finished Pinebrook fanart lying around my room.
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Lol, alright man good luck, I like to see it sometime
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Look's like we're anything if not dedicated to Pinebrook.
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I've officially started a fandom!
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So to celebrate pride month , and Pinebrook's 1 year of me working on this
Daniel was walking down the school hallways, while dodging other students, he was making his way to the cafeteria. " Daniel!" A feminine voice called out. He turned around to see a close friend of his, Kellie Mason. She trotted to him her brunette colored hair, bouncing on her shoulders as she made her way to Daniel. " Hey Kellie, where you been? " Daniel asked as she stopped next to Daniel.
" I've been helpin' pa, a bit, sorry I didn't catch you." Kellie apologized, as she began walking with him. She was kind and was really pretty save for freckles, and slight acne. " No no it's fine, it's, I understand needing to help your old man." Daniel assured, Kellie was a close friend to Daniel and he was thankful. " You mean, your old man," She giggled as she pointed at him. " Shut up." Daniel replied as he playfully punched her, which made her giggle harder.
Kellie was playful which wasn't what Daniel was usually used to seeing. He cared for her, and would've asked her on a date. However she had other plans. " Anyway you asked out Morgan yet?" Daniel questioned Kellie. She blushed a bright red, than shook her head. " Not yet I don't wanna, y'know, embarrass myself to her." Kellie explained. " That's fine, I get it, but if you really want her, best do it 'cause she probably be taken if you don't asks her quick." Daniel replied.
" That wouldn't surprise me none, she is hot, I won't lie, but your right I'll try." Kellie cheerfully answered. " There you go girl, that's more like it!." Daniel cheered, which caught the attention of a few students, but he didn't notice. " Anyway, have you found anyone yet?" Kellie questioned Daniel. " Nah haven't found her yet but I will eventually, I 'm trying to find the right one y'know." He explained as they made it to the cafeteria. " That's fine, I get it, you'll find her, I bet she'll be a good kisser, yo-." Kellie barely finished her sentence as thing of milk was thrown at her.
Daniel gasped, and saw the ######### herself, Cassandra Hernandaz, he then glared at her. She is what you consider a stereotypical, prom queen, and popular mean girl. But Daniel had another name for her, The Queen of Bitchery. " Hell was that for, Cassandra!?" Daniel growled. " Watch what you say farmboy, I'd kick yo ass yo, now to answer your question. We have some beef with both you and that other kid." Cassandra shot back at Daniel, she spoke with a streetwise accent. " Leave it alone Daniel, I'm fine, and Cassandra at least I don't wear makeup, and fake breasts just to feel good about myself, you (BADWORD)!" Kellie shot back at Cassandra, she in which glared in return.
" Shut the ######### up, you (BADWORD), you think you can get a girl with yo ugly ass, please." Cassandra and her little girl gang giggled, Daniel sensed that Kellie was hurt by that, he kept his cool and dared not try anything. " Anyway, I ain't gonna let go, see you snitched on my boyfriend, about his little business here," " Oh you mean the one where he sells illegal crap to young people so they'll ######### up their lives, yeah uh no." Daniel calmly told. " You don't understand anything, you got him expelled, so yeah he is goin' to beat yo ass Linderton today after school yp." Cassandra explained.
" I guess its understandable that you wouldn't mind yo buisness, guess the (Badword) runs in the family, right Daniel?" Cassandra questioned which set of a bomb inside Daniel. He began seeing red, his hands curled into tight fists, his nostrils began steaming. " Oh #########." Kellie quietly whispered. Even though it took a lot to anger him, when he got angry however, there is gonna be hell to pay. " Daniel, no leave it-." Kellie tried to calm him down, but he shrugged her off as he began marching towards Cassandra, who now wasn't looking so brave, or snarky anymore. " Daniel!" A loud voice called to him, it was the schools officer.
" Now, son I need you come with me to the principal's office, now." The man ordered, all rage seemed to dissaperate when he told Daniel this. "Now!" He ordered much less kindly. Daniel was at a lost for words, he did nothing wrong yet, and he is still punished. He marched off hearing Cassandra snicker at him which made him even more tempted to punch her. A very pissed Daniel began marching off to the principal's office, waiting to for the man to decide his fate.
THe reason I used (BADWORD) is because there were things that were said, that mods would consider bannable so I am not tempting it. Happy Pride month nonetheless
Post edited by Dabihwow on2 -
Oh, another page!
Anyway, I assume this is gonna take place sometime before the prologue, when Daniel's life, (and Pinebrook for that matter) were normal?
Aside from that, no offense, but I suggest trying to make the dialog a little less "campy" for lack of a better word. Maybe try lessening up on the "yo's" a little bit?
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Yo is a streetwise slang, and since growing up hearing it in my school, you'll hear it from people who are streetwise. It is used rather commonly. Also this takes place after the prologue, and is to show how, the dark realm affects people outside of it.
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I really liked this one. I like the new characters (I hate Cassandra tho, but everyone needs a nemesis!) and I love how we're getting into Danny's normal life.
Also, good morning, afternoon, or evening to all of you, and happy Pride Month!
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Thanks, I didn't want it to sound homophobic yet still get a reaction out of readers. If I was to remove the (BADWORD) I can only say one of them is a homophobic slur. I really dislike, it but I want to get a reaction out of readers to make them hate Cassandra even more. Anyway I have a question, did I do Kellie Mason right? I never really wrote an LGBT character ever, so I wanted to know is this acceptable.
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I don't think you were being homophobic, in fact making a villain homophobic is good in my book because they're supposed to be represented as evil.I think you did good on making an LGBT character! The protagonist also acts as if it's normal that she wants to date another girl, which is good, treating LGBT people as normal individuals is nice. I also think LGBT people acting like themselves is great, for example...
Robin from Stranger Things.
Post edited by glitchboi on3
