Pinebrook Prologue
Comments
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I would've expected @Beelzeboop to have criticized me, then again he is drawing so I'll leave him to it
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Oh, I read it, there just isn't that much to criticize.
The best I've got is that you need to remember that you are writing this from a third person limited perspective. That means that you are essentially narrating a first person story as a third party without any alterations.
The reason I mention this is because you went out of the way to mention Furnace Head's shoes, but without framing it as a passing observation. If Furnace Head was in the same room as me, the fact that me was in the room would be taking up most of my attention.
I think I have another one, although this may seem a bit harsher than my usual criticism. It's important, though, so please hear me out.
I know you were treating it seriously, but try to avoid... that topic, unless you are absolutely sure that it wont be taken as a simple attempt at shock-based horror. You need to understand, it takes an ungodly amount of skill, talent, research, or all of the above to write a scene like that and not get massive backlash. Even if you do it right, it can still be taken the wrong way, which makes sense given the subject matter.
I want to make sure neither you nor anyone you love gets hurt.
It has happened before, and I don't want to find out that you wrote something that made people angry and violent toward you and I didn't try to help you when I could.
I'm not against including the subject, but even a small error in the delivery could annihilate your writing career and demolish your reputation easily.
I just... need you to be careful, okay? Even talking about certain subjects can ruin your life if you don't handle them correctly.
And people never forget.
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I don't disagree, and I too have been a victim of that subject. I tried heavily to avoid the subject, but Pinebrook doesn't hold back on these topics but your right, I should be careful what I do. Also don't worry I'm starring these so I can go back on them, you can take them out if your sure your gonna get perma banned, please do, I like having you around on the forums
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Alright, I removed the links. Thank you for that.
I really care about you, man. My account isn't everything to me, so I'd be willing to sacrifice it if I have to.
In the event that I do get banned, maybe we should tell each other our account names on some other site, or maybe Email accounts. That way you could keep sending me drafts even after Rizzo and Mandy inevitably kick me out for good.
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I might actually rewrite it to where it's done 'off-screen' in a way, kinda like how James Sunderland stumble upon PH when he doing dirty with the mannequins, I'm not sure if that would get the message to Elliot tho because of spoilers, what Furnace Head did, Elliot did as well, he was just bringing up a terrible sin Elliot committed
The only want to know now is... has your perspective for Furnace Head, changed, or no. also is Furnace Head scary to you? Its fine you can be brutally honest
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heh I'm waiting for one of them to do the same for me, I do have my email available on my wall so you an check it out
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My perspective on the guy hasn't really changed all that much. I think of him like Pyramid Head without the unsettling calmness, trading it off for an animalistic, predatory nature.
He's scary, but not extremely scary. It's kinda like how the Joker is scary, but not really.
But I'm kinda desensitized to these kinds of things, given my study of the methods used to create them.
Also, I sent you an Email. Did you get it?
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Yeah it works I got it
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Great!
Now we can use Email as a backup in the event one of us (or both of us) gets banned.
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Well don't temp fate now
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Tempting fate is my other specialty.
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Oh god, your starting to scare me
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I'm the scariest person on these forums.
Other than Sluzzy.
Sluzzy runs Unnerving Presence, Distressing, Bamboozle and Overwhelming Presence IRL
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MY GOD... ITS SLUZZY. also so how do you know?
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I'm not entirely sure I know what you're asking.
I'm pretty sure I know the answer though.
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Oh... I see
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@Dabihwow. Alright, here's my finished concept for Furnace Head. Admittedly it's kind of rushed and not my best work, but I'm still curious to hear your thoughts on it.
What happens when a human releases all their stored rage, all their hatred? Furnace Head is the answer. A being crafted by the town of Pinebrook, it is the manifestation of anger, rage, hatred, distaste, and how we humans enact these feelings on others. It will mercilessly slaughter anything it sets its eyes on with a burning vengeance. With a motive such as that, it didn’t take long for The Entity to notice it…
Base Movement Speed: 115%
Terror Radius: 32 Meters
Height: Tall
The Smelter's power is called: Passion Of The Flames.
Special Ability: Choking Smoke
At any time during the trial, press the Power Button to unleash a cloud of otherworldly smoke that enraptures all of your current Terror Radius. Within the smoke:
- Survivors will cough extremely loudly.
- Survivors will have tremendously decreased vision.
- Survivors will suffer from the Oblivious status effect.
- Generators will automatically regress at a rate of 200% when not being actively repaired.
- Windows will only take two rushed vaults to become blocked by The Entity.
- Bloodlust is gained 20% faster.
The smoke will persist in the area for 30 seconds. Choking Smoke has a cooldown of 60 seconds.
Special Attack: Heart Of Fire.
At any time, press the Secondary Power Button to lob a small fireball. The Smelter is slowed down to 105% while charging the fireball. Hitting a survivor with the fireball will injure them one health state. Heart Of Fire has a cooldown of 30 seconds. Heart Of Fire has no cooldown if it is used in the smoke spawned from Choking Smoke.
The Smelter comes with three teachable perks.
Hands Of Blood: Their work will be their downfall. Every time a survivor gains 1,000 bloodpoints in the objective category, you gain the Undetectable status effect for 20/25/30 seconds.
Flaming Rage: Your hatred for them is so strong that it manifests itself physically. Every time you hook a survivor, every breakable wall, generator, and dropped pallet within 20/22/24 meters of you will instantly break.
Corrupted Minds: The human mind is fragile, and a withering corruption is eating away at your preys. Whenever a survivor repairs a generator to 50%, the next time they touch a generator that is not the repaired generator, it will be blocked by The Entity for 30/35/40 seconds.
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Holy crap this isn't bad at all. Although his power could be changed, now that I think of it, his power could involve him unleashing his anger, for example, if after an amount of time and actions he becomes an unstoppable monster he can break through pallets and continue to go on a rampage,(similar to lopro chain billy and oni). Also, something about his ax is that, if anyone is cut by it while Furnace Head is using his magic or whatever, it leaves a massive scar and which also leaves a curse on the victim. The victim will struggle to cooperate and becomes agitated as rage grows within them. But I like the idea of smoke, but it feels a bit like Clown
Now Perks, these are very close to who Furnace Head is although he isn't usually silent. hands of Blood will be very hard one to use because well it relies on Survivors ability to do objectives which in some cases, won't happen.
Flaming rage, HOLY #########, that is a god-tier killer perk already, I love it, I love it. Hell that outclasses noed by a lot
and Corrupted Minds which I like the name is really good, I like it, plus it's close to the character, overall good job now, I have to ask you can you rate my more for Furnace Head.
Mori: Furnace Head Walks over to the Survivor the Survivor tries to make a run for it but Furnace strikes at their head with their ax splitting it into. However the ax is so wedged in that Furnace HEad lifts them up off the ground and continue to split the survivor into like he is smashing a wedge ax inside of a log, once finally split he lets out an animalistic roar and continues with the trial
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Thank you! I'll probably go back and revise his power some more when I get to making the survivor.
Your mori for him is really good, but I feel if he was an actual character in the game the devs would have to give him a different mori because yours would be to gruesome.
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Oh an Oni tearing out someone tongue and beat the ######### out of them with a kenabo isn't ( don't worry I get it) I might have to think of another good one
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I mean it might work, but just like Oni's, Hag's, and Clown's, mori it'd be skating on some real thin ice.
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I might make a mori where Furnace Head sets the survivor on fire
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That'd be sick!
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This is really cool, to be honest.
Maybe a Mori where they suffocate on smoke?
Furnace Head is gone. The survivor slowly stands up, looking around frantically for him. They start coughing. Coughing louder and faster, as smoke floods out of their mouth and nose, they realize whats happening. The camera slowly pans, circling around them as the area fills with smoke.
The camera reveals an imposing figure with red, burning, hateful light standing behind them as they double over coughing, tears streaming down their face. Cinders flow out from Furnace Head's body as he lifts his axe over his head, his breathing turning to a growl. The survivor barely has enough time to turn their head before the axe comes down on their back, slamming them back down into the earth.
Furnace Head's growling has turned into something between roaring and ape-like howling. Smoke pours out of the survivors wounds as FH hacks at them over and over and over, before he finally relents. Furnace Head kicks the body over, huffs, and turns around.
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Oof I like that mori. However Furnace Head doesn't use smoke but I could add that aspect to the character, I don't know why he would need to use smoke when he mostly uses his fist and axe, its not that the concept was bad it just felt way too similar to clown. Not that I'm saying qwqw shouldn't continue working, I want to see what the comes up with.
Honestly if Bhvr strangely wanted Pinebrook which is (extremely unlikely) to come into DBD, then I'll be glad to work with them. I would be scared if they literally make a pyromaniac killer that looks and acts exactly as FH does then I will not be happy in the slightest, good thing I copyrighted Pinebrook and have officially claimed ownership of it. Your not getting Pinebrook without talking to me Bhvr, no sir!
I also post something on your wall you can go check it out, I want to know your opinion on it
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The reason I thought smoke would be interesting is because of how nightmarish suffocation is. Suffocation is among the worst ways to die, and the most common cause of death during building fires.
I think it works excellently for horror in particular because of the fact that humans have a visceral, painful reaction to it if they have even the slightest bit of empathy. It was actually the inspiration for the line "You were a person once. But now, all you are is screaming."
Plus, it leaves no actual wounds, so people can't say that you were just going for shock value without citing any actual reason for it.
If BHVR wanted Pinebrook for whatever reason, I trust that you would make them suffer for it, and force them to deal with longstanding issues. If they ever come talk to you or something, I want you to make some serious demands, with the excuse of not wanting to soil your brand on something as low-quality as DbD, and that they'll have to make some improvements if they want to utilize your work.
I read what you wrote on my wall, and I think that was the best way to handle it. It's hard to write directly about certain subjects without people thinking that you're fetishising them or treating them too lightly.
Indecency goes best with the technique of leaving things out. You'll find more about that under the trope "Nothing Is Scarier" on TVTropes.
Speaking of which, there's an index on horror tropes, which has helped me out a lot in the past. I suggest you take a look. Even better, if you scroll down on trope pages, you can see a section called "examples," which lists examples in various works from different forms of media, so give that a look.
Also, even though you aren't writing a game, I think this page could help:
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Now that I think about it, I actually like the idea of adding claustrophobia, @QwQw , forget what i said earlier keep the smoke although maybe not have it to where its such a severe effects maybe.
Yeah if Bhvr Comes after my liscense I will raise Hell, its one thing to take inspiration off of someone elses works but its another to literally steal it from the said owner. I do agree I would like adjustments done to the game to fit the chapter, I want to make sure that FH or whoever I choose to be the killer is both fun, strong, yet balanced. As for cosmetics if they want to add them I'll allow legendary sets of certain character from the series to be added. I want a map that is likeable and just as scary as Midwich.
Yeah that's why I'm gonna change it, I think its better that I do, that plus I'll look at the tropes later when I have time
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Alright then, I'll keep the smoke. Honestly it's such an awful way to die as @Beelzeboop said.
Now this could just be me, but I also think it's eerie how he uses smoke, because in symbolizes that Furnace Head isn't even bothering to use it's full strength. "Where there's smoke there's fire." Furnace Head can't be even be bothered to use actual fire to kill it's victims, but instead just uses the smoke spawned from it.
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*Slow clap of approval*
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I agree, but using smoke wouldn't be its full power, if FH used his full power, it would tear his body apart, thus killing him. That is why their are straps of metal all over his body, its to symbolize the fact that anger can't fully be contained in a human body forever, keeping our anger pent up can actually harm us mentally, and it needs to be released. Thus FHs' anger can kill him
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I knew you would like this, but I need to get the name out about this first
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Oh I like that symbolism. That anger will eventually tear us apart.
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Okay, I just had one of the worst experiences creating Pinebrook, someone who looked at my work here on the forums just so happened to run into me in-game. He spoke to me off the game about my work, at first I thought it was a fan, but then he told me that Pinebrook is just a ######### version of Silent Hill. He then ranted how on and on how I'm going to create a terrible version of a masterpiece that was called silent HIll, to the point of even death threatening me. I reported him and left it at that, but still, it was scary, and unsettling to hear negativity to that extent, I'm fine though, and I'll admit it Pinebrook was inspired by Silent Hill. It was meant to be from the beginning
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What the ######### is wrong with them
Like, what the ACTUAL #########?
Sorry you had to go through that, don't listen to that prick.
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It's fine, I don't treat death threats online all that seriously, unless you actually know me, and where I live. I am very hard to intimidate at times, they did strike a nerve but, I was like " eh, ######### em." I'm used to it, bu its still not okay
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I'm actually grinding my teeth a little bit right now.
Even if that were true, it wouldn't be worth making such a huge deal about it. There is literally no excuse in my mind for telling someone they should kill themselves.
No work of art is worth anyone's life. I don't care who's life, and I don't care what piece of art.
A piece of art is either an expression of skill or a medium to communicate. That's all. Either way, it's about the artist, even if it doesn't seem like it. God, it would take an entire ######### TED talk to explain this adequately.
But in the end, the issue is that art is information, and thinking beings (which are exclusively humans) collect and compile that information, and if a human can even potentially produce multiple pieces of art in the course of their lifetime, that is solid proof that living human beings are far more important than any piece of art. And if all human beings are created equal, then the wrongness of "disrespecting" a piece of art becomes as bad as "disrespecting" a TV screen full of static.
It's like destroying a computer because it didn't exactly match the aesthetic of the hard drive you have.
And that's not even getting into complex concepts like morality. That's just logic.
It's fine to take inspiration from something, as long as it doesn't hurt the creator of said something. The fact that someone can be so foolish to think that it's okay to do something like what you described sickens me.
If you're reading this, whoever the hell you are, if you have an issue with Dabihwow, you talk about it here. On this forum. In front of us.
If you want to make an attack, be prepared for a fight. And you'd better know what you're doing.
You have no excuse, but if you wanna bully my friend, you'd better start coming up with some. Because I sure as hell don't need one.
Post edited by Beelzeboop on2 -
Don't worry, he didn't intimidate me a whole lot, he did unnerve me, but I'm ok, and I wholeheartedly agree. Art is just that, art. Its never meant to be perfect, art in a way tells you about the kinda person you are, or at least describes how you view it. But what saddens me is that the person is failing to realize is that I'm making a Pinebrook so I can pay tribute to Silent Hill, and bring back a similar horror it brought, sure maybe not as exact but I'm making it in a similar way.
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Exactly!
If anyone wants to get to Dabihwow, they're gonna have to go through me.
I can't ######### stand bullies, especially the online kind that hide behind their shield of anonymity.
It's okay if they want to give constructive criticism to Pinebrook, but calling it a Silent Hill ripoff and ######### without giving anything constructive is just a dick move.
I'd like to see them try and write their own story, and then we'll see just how "#########" Dabihwow's work is.
Not to mention, it's never okay to give a death threat to someone. That's just ######### up.
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Don't worry he isn't worth #########, but don't worry he doesn't know me and I don't know them, I really don't want to make it into an absolute huge deal, the guy was just being a prick for the sake of it.
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I know in the end it probably isn't that big of a deal, but as I said before, I just really hate bullies.
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Oh I get that and I do to, however... I am more scared of the mods wrath then of that idiot
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I highly doubt the mods will do anything to us.
I mean, we're the good guys in this situation. We haven't done anything wrong.
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Well it's not as simple as that, I can't really shame them but, they aren't the best people, they are to an extent friendly however. I really can't talk about it tho
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I mean, they seem pretty competent. I've definitely seen how good and bad mods can be, and the forum mods seem to be in the average-good area.
My sentiments exactly.
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Its not that their bad people, lets just say I have tenuous relationship with them
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Yeah, me too.
I respect their work, though. They do a good job, even if it's a bit difficult for anyone, including myself, to really appreciate it.
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Well I spent most of my time instead of doing school work to instead write these two pages. I hope you all enjoy and this one starts off differently then before since I will edit the last page where Julie was instead dragged off, and have that excerpt done sorta off screen. But I want to thank all of you, this has been an amazing bit to write and I hope you all enjoy @Beelzeboop , @QwQw , @glitchboi , @GoobyNugget , here you guys go.
Elliot nearly wanted to vomit of remembering Penny, he felt nauseous as the bits of what was left of his sub nearly came out if it hadn't already. " Okay just get out of here, she's no one." Elliot lied He never felt so sick, and shocked, sure Julie got what she deserved he believed that but he expected a bit more vial end. Instead, she was dragged off, and out of the room. It felt like an eternity before Elliot could muster the strength to exit, but stopped realizing he needed a weapon. With his small trusty flashlight, returned it on. To his shock, there wasn't much in the janitor. He spotted a trench shovel, he walked over to pick it up. " Has a bit of heft, it'll do".
He exited the closet. " Oh Lord in heaven." He squinted at the rotten guts of the Rhodies. The smell was worse like rotten eggs but he could almost taste it as well. Suddenly another aroma, caught his attention, one he was to familiar with. "Smoke". He coughed as he saw a decent vapor of it leave through a door in a room down the hall, Elliot exited the room where there were a bunch of broken down bits of wood and saw a trail of smoke where Julie was dragged off, he could hear commotion inside the room . Elliot covered his mouth as there were noises of struggle were made clear, he could here Julie screaming for her life, it brought him memories of Penny.
He remembered her, Penny Hewitt a beautiful and kind woman. She wasn't as drop dead gorgeous as the girls in the magazines were, but unlike them she was real, and the only woman that Elliot truly loved. Elliot tried not to shed a tear, but he still coughed at the smoke that was in the air. Suddenly the sounds of struggle stopped, he heard the stomping of the floor as the Furnace thing marched out of the room. It moaned as its molten orange glow beamed in the smoke like area. Elliot held to what was left of his breath, it was suffocating, he felt like he was in a small box and if he moved something would happen.
The Furnace thing, marched around the area, with its ax in its right hand. The chains rattled with every step, they were like ringing bells. The monsters eyes were like a lighthouse that pierced the smoke. Elliot wanted to fight this thing, but apart of him told not to. He didn't even know what the hell this thing is, an idea popped in his head. I just need to get out of here, maybe I can break one of the windows and hop out, there wasn't a window in that room, what about the one behind.... Elliot thought. He stopped realizing that to know for sure there was window, he would have to sneak past the monster. He inhaled the bad air, and began to make his way to the room.
Elliot quietly crawled with his shovel in hand behind The Furnace thing, he dared not breathe, he dared not flinch. The monster towered over him as he was less than 10 feet away from it, as it marched, Elliot felt the floor shake slightly. He didn't dare to look at it, and wanted to pretend the monster didn't exist. Elliot noticed that this was the first time he felt this much heat since he arrived. For what felt like an eternity Elliot finally crawled past it, but then his shovel knocked into a metal sounding object that Elliot presumed, was a tin can. The noise echoed throughout the hall, and the Furnace Thing stopped.
His eyes widened, the hairs on his neck stood, as he began to shiver as he began to drip cold sweat. "Oh #########." Elliot whispered. He turned around and saw the Furnace Things' head turned and stared dead center at Elliot. He immediately stood up and pounded his feet against the floorboards as hard he could. The Furnace Thing began marching over to Elliot, its footsteps pounding against the floor. Elliot didn't look back as he ran straight for the door slamming it, and hoping there was a window. To his luck there was, and the now bloodied corpse of what happened to Julie as a large tear in her groin was made known.
Elliot with his shovel smashed against the glass, it shattered against the shovel. He peered out and saw a decent drop less then ten feet, suddenly a slam came against the door as a growl of the monster came from outside of it. With no choice Elliot hopped out cutting his leg in the process and landed on the ground outside of the town hall. He didn't care about the pain he wanted to live! Elliot stood up and was in awe of the town, it had changed all of it. " What the ######### is wrong with this town!?" He bellowed
The town no longer had only brick buildings, but building made up entirely of wood, some even sported a cross symbol. The streets now appeared run down and cobbled as blood and other liquid substances were splattered across the floors. The sky was brighter then before and had a greyish glow to it, as a group of goose flew across the sky chirping away. Elliots attention reverberated back at The Furnace thing as it roared loudly out of the room , it jumped out and landed near feet away from Elliot. " ######### you!" Elliot screamed as he swung his shovel at its head.
With one good whack the shovel smacked The Furnace thing across the head, and the monsters' head moved only a few inches, it didn't even stumble back. Elliot's eyes widened in fear , as it turned back to face him, in a flash it punched Elliot in the face, the blown sent him stumbling back and nearly falling over. The Furnace thing marched towards Elliot with ax in hand and raised it high to cleave him. But he quickly recovered as landed a blow at its chest this time it flinched back as it groaned. Elliot got up and shoved the shovel directly into its left breast, it cried in pan.
" Take that you fiery bastard!" He cried, the monster grabbed the handle to Elliot surprise, and began twisting the wooden handle breaking it. The Furnace thing grabbed the head of it out of its chest and through it to the ground, it growled and charged at Elliot. He tried to turn to the side but thing grabbed him by the beard and threw him forward to the floor , tearing at one of his hairs. Elliot cried in anguish, and raised his hands begging for mercy, but in a swift strike it landed directly on his stomach, as he felt what could be described was and extremely aching painful hit that burned tremendously.
"P-Penn...Y, help me." He futilly called for help for his former lover. From the wound a flame arouse setting both his clothes on fire but also him. Elliot screamed as his plastic boots melted at his feet combing them, his clothes joined in, his hair and beard lit a blaze as well. Elliot felt not only extreme pain, but also a great amount of rage, it was so great it shook his whole body. It felt like his soul was being torn apart, from the inside, he wish he could redo it all, make up what he did to Penny. Elliot felt guilt for what he'd done to Penny, as another wave of excruciating pain, the world began to go dark. The pain was still there only this time it intensified as he felt what was left of his strength shattered.
The Furnace thing lifted up the ax out of his stomach and began to walk off. Elliot by some miracle was still alive but not for longer. "P-Pen...ny, b..baby, I'm...so s-s-sorry." Elliot stuttered as tears enveloped his eyes. Elliot remembered when he had a deep love for Penny, he remembered how they met, the love they shared. However it was not meant to be for Elliot cared more about his drinking and other pleasantries then Penny, he left her only for her to contact him that she was pregnant. Elliot didn't want a child, nor did he want to pay for it, but knowing the fact that she worked at a church school he schemed to make sure she would get rid of the child. Elliot blackmailed her in aborting the child, or he will tell her boss that she was pregnant, the good sir wouldn't allow something like that allowed. Eventually Penny did abort the child, she grew depressed and committed suicide, leaving Elliot a loner. With one final breathe Elliot closed his eyes as he laid his on the ground, to be at peace, but in this town, he will never know peace...
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You should probs work on your schoolwork now, seems like you worked really hard on this, well done! Also, poor Elliot, he didn't deserve that.
Wait, I WAS RIGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO JULIE! I... I think?
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Yeah you were I just wanted to rewrite it so it wasn't as cruel as it was originally, and so I didn't have people question my sanity, but this isn't the final page for the prologue
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Wow, I would love to read this again after its edited.
On a critical note, Elliot seemed to just suddenly remember Penny with no prompting whatsoever just after something violent and horrible had happened. Something you need to remember is that when people are scared, their minds stay "in the moment," so it would take a strong cue to remind them of something, even a traumatic or important memory.
There's another thing I've wanted to point out for a long while, but I've never found an actually constructive or even truly effective way to say it. You know, no actual advice on it other than just "get better" or "practice." But, given that the prologue seems to be over, I kinda have to say it now. If this comes off as a little harsh, it's due to my failures, not yours.
You need to make sure that the story sort of... "flows," for lack of a better term. The way you write it, it seems like you're just trying to cram in all the information you need without paying much attention to how it impacts the tone. If you didn't know, text has a "pace," like any other media. Commas give a little speed bump, ellipses(...) bring it to a grinding halt, periods give a brief pause to let the reader take a moment to think or catch their breath, and run-on sentences cause acceleration.
If you want to sound breathless or tense, put in multiple sentences that communicate small amounts of information. That conveys a "logical" element, which human minds tend to default to when in pain, or when they are particularly relaxed. Do the opposite if you want it to sound overwhelmed with an emotion, like awe or terror or adoration.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you need to work on how you pace the text and the story. A general rule is to make the pacing look something like this:
Sorry for my crappy mousewriting, I was doing this f a s t.
You can have as many "humps" as you want, but in general the more of them you have, the more complex the story. In Pinebrook, I would suggest at least three. In general, the wavy line should look fairly uniform, going up and down, getting slightly higher as it goes on, and peaking at the climax.
The "status quo" is where the story starts. The default state of the world, if you will. At the end of the story, everything should have either returned to an altered state of normal, or an entirely new form of normality should be established in it's place. If there is no change, all of the events of the story are meaningless in context. Unless, of course, the story exists to set up events for a future story.
I'm not sure if any of that was actually helpful, or if you already knew all of that.
Anyway, I'm really hoping to see more from you in the future. I'll be keeping an eye out for your work.
Remember, no matter what you write, you'll always have a fan in me. And I will
always
be
watching
you
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